tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38222309202518374682024-03-19T00:30:51.814-04:00OutpouringWriting from the heartAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.comBlogger117125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-72329272429238226382016-09-18T09:47:00.000-04:002016-09-18T09:47:03.042-04:00I don't invite people to my place<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't invite people to my place.<br />
<br />
This isn't me being antisocial. This is shame.<br />
<br />
I started my antidepressants today. I was going to wait for a few weeks and start them when the crying every day happens. I mean yes I'm starting to have problems with getting myself into bed at a decent time. Yes, this is the third weekend that at least one full day passed without showering and getting dressed.<br />
<br />
It was the pizza box that did it. It's been sitting on my coffee table since Monday. Then I really opened my eyes and looked around my apartment. I haven't cleaned my kitchen. I keep saying that it is my goal for the day. It never gets done. My bathroom needs a serious scrubbing. I have overflowing trash cans in my bathroom and kitchen.<br />
<br />
It's a miracle that I don't have roaches.<br />
<br />
How did this happen? Energy. I don't have any.<br />
<br />
I work and when I get home, I sit on my couch. I flip my attention from the tv to one of two games I'm playing on my kindle and checking Facebook on my phone. I made the mistake of plugging a power cord in that I can reach without getting up from my seat.<br />
<br />
I stay up late because if I do, then I have an excuse to feel bad. A tangible thing I can point to and explain away my lack of energy and concentration.<br />
<br />
People understand what lack of sleep feels like. They don't understand what depression feels like.<br />
<br />
It's not an active illness. It makes you slow, stupid, lazy. Then throws guilt on you for being slow, stupid and lazy. It takes extraordinary effort to get through regular tasks. Anything that can be deemed unnecessary get tossed to the wayside.<br />
<br />
It's insidious. The floor can get swept tomorrow. I can leave that junk mail there until morning. Procrastination rules my life right now.<br />
<br />
The bad thing is that I didn't even realize how bad it was until it got this far. Now it's a daunting task. I will break it into pieces and complete it.<br />
<br />
But first let me finish my movie..... I'll get right on it after that...</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-13605625668128494592015-11-27T13:38:00.001-05:002015-11-27T13:40:34.559-05:00Not being there<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. I fucking hate it.<br />
I hate not being able to be there for you.<br />
I hate that I can't fly up for the funeral.<br />
I hate that I can't hug you and hold you and tell you everything will be ok.<br />
I can't help.<br />
I can't cry with you.<br />
I can only cry for you and that feels wrong too.<br />
My soul is crying to be by your side instead of a 26 hour drive away.<br />
I want to be there.<br />
I want to soothe and comfort and help you through the pain and the cold business of the arrangements of death.<br />
I want to be able to lay flowers on her grave and tell her bones that she was so loved.<br />
I want to hold your family and remind you of all the true cliches.<br />
Time heals. She'll always be with you. You'll see her on the other side.<br />
This hurts. This metal ball rising up my throat. This gnawing sickness in my belly.<br />
I can't do anything.<br />
I can't be there for you.<br />
I hate this.<br />
I want to scream and cry and punch something.<br />
And this is barely a fraction of what pain you are in.<br />
Cancer isn't the death sentence it used to be.<br />
I said that to you the last time we spoke.<br />
I was wrong.<br />
I am so sorry.<br />
I want to make it all okay.<br />
But I can't.<br />
I can't do anything from here but cry and pray.<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-57970798905940595272015-02-10T08:53:00.003-05:002015-02-10T08:53:32.296-05:00Struggling <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Struggling.<br />
Trying not to worry.<br />
Trying not to be angry.<br />
Trying not to over think everything.<br />
Trying not to worry anyone.<br />
Trying not to be weak.<br />
Trying not to feel.<br />
Some days, I just don't want to try.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-17643581081501976752014-12-15T13:43:00.000-05:002014-12-15T13:43:15.510-05:00Spiral<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Every person who has suffered with depression more than once learns their own patterns. The things they do to deny the tears, the things they do to lift their spirits.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
My depression cycle.</div>
<div>
1. I don't want to.</div>
<div>
2. All I would do is mess it up anyway.</div>
<div>
3. I need to be outside more.</div>
<div>
4. Why am I crying at this Brittany Spears song?</div>
<div>
5. Make excuse to stay home.</div>
<div>
6. Read through the night to keep mind occupied from bad thought spirals.</div>
<div>
7. Always tired. Why can't I just rest?</div>
<div>
8. I can't concentrate. I keep screwing up stupid easy stuff.</div>
<div>
9. I'm worthless.</div>
<div>
10. Time for meds.</div>
<div>
11. Keep up the pretend happy.</div>
<div>
12. You can cry later. After work is over.</div>
<div>
13. All I want is a hug.</div>
<div>
14. I'm so screwed up, no wonder I'm alone.</div>
<div>
15. Stop thinking that way, stop it, stop it, stop it.</div>
<div>
16. Can't worry them.</div>
<div>
17. Won't say how bad this time is.</div>
<div>
18. Noone wants to hear it.</div>
<div>
19. No one can fix it.</div>
<div>
20. Trudge through it. Meds are kicking in.</div>
<div>
21. two more months, just two more months.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-10924199456014737552014-09-08T07:41:00.000-04:002014-09-08T07:41:24.235-04:00Unnecesary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I am unnecessary. I am not the backbone of anyone's life. When I leave someone else will fill my spot. There are 7 billion people on the planet and if I disappeared off the face of the earth about 500 individuals would be affected. In the grand scheme of things, I'm such a small piece.<br />
<br />
You'd think this would make me sad. You'd be wrong.<br />
<br />
It sets me free.<br />
<br />
The people who love me, love me because they want to.<br />
The people who don't, can kiss it.<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-86223085914641246652014-06-11T13:31:00.001-04:002014-06-11T13:31:30.388-04:00Hidradenitis Suppurativa- The Battle Continues<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I joined a Hidradenitis Suppurativa Support Group on Facebook cause I believe that learning about the enemy means you can fight it better. The people are all very nice. The worrisome thing is how many have other autoimmune disorders to go along with it. Lupus, Crohn's, Hashimoto's Thryroiditis.<br />
<br />
Lovely. Because worrying about boils and cysts and infections and inflammations and unsightly scarring just wasn't enough.<br />
<br />
I live with infection. Even when I was on crazy doses of antibiotics, I lived with infection. I know what topicals to use, what soap to use, how to pad it so it doesn't have me in pain all day.<br />
<br />
It doesn't go away.<br />
<br />
Incurable diseases don't go away. They can only be managed.<br />
<br />
At least I haven't had to have surgery yet. Most do. Most have to have multiple surgeries.<br />
<br />
Because it never goes away. And when I have a flareup, my immune system is fighting the skin infections so I catch every other bug that's around. So I'm continually running fevers.<br />
<br />
This is my life. It could be a lot worse than it is. I'm managing just fine at the moment. I've been swimming in chlorine a lot so that dries out the skin and seems to be helping. I only have one lesion at the moment but it's been "healing" for about a month now. It's almost done closing.<br />
<br />
And that's it for now. Keeping on, keeping on.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-31794901605603215542014-06-10T09:43:00.002-04:002014-06-10T09:43:56.510-04:00Ain't Nobody Got Time For That<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Maybe it's because I'm running on 4 hours of sleep.<br />
Maybe it's because I've been sick.<br />
<br />
Maybe monkeys may fly out of my ass.<br />
<br />
I am a patient person or rather was.<br />
<br />
I'm not putting up with idiots and morons and selfish dicks.<br />
Not for a while, not for a month, not for another minute.<br />
It's time for me to stand up and be heard.<br />
<br />
I will not be talked down to.<br />
I will not be lied to.<br />
I will not deal with bullshit.<br />
<br />
I am worth more than that.<br />
All we have in this life is time and what we make of it.<br />
<br />
I choose not to waste my time on people who piss me off.<br />
I choose to go after what I want.<br />
<br />
Not what society thinks I should want, not what my family thinks I should want.<br />
<br />
I'm sick and tired of putting my life on hold and my dreams on a shelf because others won't like it.<br />
<br />
Screw 'em.<br />
<br />
I want travel, I want to explore. I want to paint, and write and meet new people.<br />
<br />
I want to be creative in my everyday life because that's what gives me joy.<br />
<br />
So taking steps and making plans.<br />
Step One- Save every dime I can.<br />
Step Two- Sell off some things as in whittle it down to what will fit in a car.<br />
Step Three- Paint and try to sell it. Write and try to sell it.<br />
Step Four- Try for some voiceover work.<br />
Step Five- Realize that people are going to tell me that I won't make it.<br />
Step Six- Prove them wrong. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-3031343118134431702014-05-13T10:53:00.001-04:002014-05-13T10:53:29.601-04:00Falling into Hope<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I had a wonderful dream last night. Full of secret glances, stolen kisses, holding hands under the table.<br />
<br />
Love. New love. Beautiful and blooming. Real love. Compassionate and mutual understanding and care.<br />
<br />
That first glance to first real gaze into those eyes.... Those eyes that crinkle in the corners while the smile just keeps spreading. That instant connection. That shot of fire running through the veins. That unassailable knowing that this is.<br />
<br />
This is right.<br />
This is real.<br />
This is why we exist.<br />
You will be in my heart forever.<br />
<br />
This is why I've kept fighting. This is why I'm here and now. Just to hope we find love like this.<br />
<br />
No. It wasn't anyone I know in my dream. I'll know when I see those eyes. If I ever see those eyes.<br />
<br />
But in the meantime, I'll keep my heart open and every now and then look for those eyes, that smile, that love.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-60326089348111686342014-03-17T12:51:00.002-04:002014-03-17T12:51:36.137-04:00A Little Less Fat Girl<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
About a month ago, I was at 246 lbs. Yesterday I weighed in at 226 lbs. 20 lbs down in a month.<br />
<br />
Where I'm doing well:<br />
I'm charting every tiny thing I eat. I have a 10 calorie piece of gum, that's going on the calorie chart.<br />
I'm walking a lot.<br />
I'm outdoors more.<br />
I'm making sure I'm not just sitting on the couch.<br />
<br />
Where I'm not:<br />
Alcohol. Drinks have high calories and I don't budget them into my diet the way I should.<br />
Sleep. I need to get my tushie in bed and to sleep or the muscles won't heal properly and my workout the next day sucks.<br />
Water, I'm being ok about but not great. I should be at 8-10 cups a day and I've been slacking on that the last few days.<br />
<br />
Where YOU can help me achieve my goals:<br />
You like to play ball?<br />
Play on the Wii?<br />
Volleyball?<br />
Hiking?<br />
Swimming?<br />
Please invite me along. I'm craving variety.<br />
<br />
Be patient with my nonstop talk about it. I'm trying not to gush but it is such a big change in my life and it's taking up so much of my attention, it's on my mind a lot. And you should all know what's on my mind comes straight out of my mouth.<br />
<br />
Encourage me to ignore my ridiculous sweet tooth and eat green instead.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone for all the encouragement and compliments. It makes it easier to accomplish your goals if you know people are rooting for you and have faith that you can. Love you!<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-26872846356031268972014-03-04T13:43:00.000-05:002014-03-04T13:43:08.122-05:00Moving Forward<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Things I've learned since starting my diet and exercise plan.<br />
1. Setting a goal is good. Small goals are fine, even better because they let you build.<br />
2. Accomplishing small goals every day make you feel accomplished.<br />
3. Everybody asks you for the "secret" to your sucess.<br />
4. Nobody seems to like the real answer. Hard work and planning.<br />
5. The more you move the better you feel.<br />
6. Exercising GIVES you energy, it doesn't take it away.<br />
7. Going for a walk, even once around the block, every day makes you relax and enjoy life more.<br />
8. Squirrels are crazy. Seriously, I had squirrels chasing me at the park.<br />
9. If you smile at a stranger walking past you nine times out of ten they will smile back.<br />
10. I can do this.<br />
11. "This" means anything I want.<br />
12. The only way to fail is not to try.<br />
13. There is always a Plan B, Plan C, Plan Take Over The World<br />
14. If you want life to change, you have to be the one changing.<br />
15. "Fine as I am" is a bullshit cop out.<br />
16. If you are not striving for something, anything, you will accomplish nothing.<br />
17. If you don't take that chance, someone else will.<br />
18. I refuse to be less than I can be.<br />
19. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-74549997920869543522014-02-18T00:31:00.001-05:002014-03-17T12:34:46.211-04:00Fat Girl<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Yeah. I said it. I'm a fat girl. I'm not thick or curvy or voluptous or big boned or chubby. I'm overweight, fat, obese. Technically, I am morbidly obese.<br />
<br />
Morbidly obese is the fat that'll bring on the complications that will kill you. Diabetes, heart disease, fatty liver, and countless others.<br />
<br />
I've been overweight most of my life. Even when I was in high school my hips had me in a size 12. I'd have been happy to stay there but food is so tasty and I have a lack of willpower when I want something.<br />
<br />
Funnily enough, I don't think of myself as fat girl often. I have decent self esteem. (Now at least.) and people like me as I am. I enjoy activities. I like going for a hike or swimming or playing kickball. It's fun!<br />
<br />
I've always been pretty ok with how I look. I'm never going to win any beauty contests but I'd never enter a beauty contest in the first place.<br />
<br />
I wanted to put this all out there first because I really want it understood that I mean it. I am good with who I am and how I look.<br />
<br />
I am about to go on a diet/excercise plan. Doing things the right way. Why? Because of my health.<br />
<br />
Both parents are diabetic now. I do NOT like needles. The idea of having to give myself insulin injections makes me cringe. If I don't get my eating habits and activity levels under control and get myself healthy now, I never will.<br />
<br />
I am 36 years old. Time is against me. My creaky joints are against me. The damage I've already done to my body is against me.<br />
<br />
But do you know what's for me?<br />
<br />
My pigheaded stubborn bitchy self. My friends who will back me up and tell me "Do you really want to eat that?" My future self who will be thanking me for giving her a chance to live with less daily pain, less health problems, less emotional issues. My doctor (who I will find soon) who will give me a plan to stick to.<br />
<br />
I signed up at a website called SparkPeople.com It has a lot of simple goal checklists and meal plans and exercise plans to choose from and support groups.<br />
<br />
I will do this.<br />
<br />
Now the scary bit. I weighed myself today. I'm within 1 lb of the heaviest I've ever been. I believe I can drop the weight safely and get myself down to just above where I'm technically supposed to be in a year. One year = One hundred lbs lighter.<br />
<br />
You read that right. 100 lbs in 1 year.<br />
<br />
No drugs, no hcg, no 500 calorie a day diet. I'm aiming for 2-3 lbs a week. And that is achievable.<br />
<br />
Day 1: February 18th 2014. 246 lbs. Goal 146. 100 lbs to go.<br />
<br />
If you see me screwing up, smack the taco out of my hand.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-32952739103250454082014-02-11T12:34:00.003-05:002014-02-11T12:34:36.487-05:00Drug free ..... for now<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
As a disclaimer for the nosy, I'm not talking about illegal drugs. For everyone who cares to read on....<br />
<br />
My health sucks. Old people say as long as you have your health, nothing else matters. They are right.<br />
<br />
I have a skin condtion called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. (See previous blogs for details) I've suffered with it for years and years but only got diagnosed March 2013. I've been on antibiotics since. Everyday a pill and two different creams. Special body washes. Changing up the antibiotics when I had a severe reaction. Changing topicals when my insurance decided it wasn't going to cover it anymore. Yeast infections and digestive problems that come with long term antibiotics.<br />
<br />
Antibiotics for 11 months straight. Then I said NO.<br />
<br />
No more pills everyday when I still end up with flare ups now and then. No more doctor's appointments that cost me $60 bucks each and meds that set me back $40. No more sun sensitivity side effects. No more.<br />
<br />
I am NOT, I repeat, NOT saying this is a good idea. I'm saying I'm going to be stubborn and obstinate and pigheaded and get my immune system to take care of it's damn self again.<br />
<br />
I'd also recently suffered from my winter depression. (Seasonal Affective Disorder. See previous blogs) I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. My mood is super fantastic lately and the sun is back so I'm also going off those as well. As of today.<br />
<br />
This morning was the first time I hadn't taken any medicine in a year.<br />
<br />
A YEAR! An entire year of my life.<br />
<br />
I'm fed up with meds. They work. I don't deny that at all. I just want to live my life without side effects again. I want to see if my body can get used to just being chemical free again.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-86730389446208624522014-01-03T08:21:00.001-05:002014-01-03T08:21:26.225-05:00Arm's Length<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
It's rough sailing inside my head still. I'm trying not to take everything personally but my brain is not letting me do anything else.<br />
<br />
Every minor criticism, every eyeroll, my brain is translating into "You are nothing but a waste of space." I know it's crazy. I know I'm watching the world through gray colored lenses. I'm not stupid. I know when I'm not rational.<br />
<br />
The problem with knowing you're being irrational is that it doesn't seem to help. You can tell me or I can tell me all day that I'm not being rational and in the meantime my heart is still bleeding on the floor. There's only thing I can do that's of any use is STAY OUT OF THE WAY.<br />
<br />
It's rational. If I'm not putting myself in situations where I feel like I'm being attacked, I feel better. Or at least not constantly on the defensive. I can relax.<br />
<br />
I can dip my toe in to social situations and leave when I start getting overwhelmed. It's my only defense mechanism right now.<br />
<br />
So if you feel I'm keeping everyone at arm's length, it's because I am. When springtime comes, I will start feeling better. Until then, I'm in survival mode. Head down, keep trudging, the sun will come out.<br />
<br />
I'm sure there are some of you who think I just write my blog for attention. What I'm actually doing is trying to explain me. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want pity. I just want someone to understand.<br />
<br />
Depression will affect 1/4 of the population at some point in their lives. That's staggering numbers. How can you hope to help without knowing what's happening in their head? In the meantime, nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to be "Crazy girl". I certainly don't.<br />
<br />
But I will. Someone has to do it. There is such shame and stigma surrounding mental illnesses of which depression is far and away the most common. Someone should stand up and explain themselves. Take away the ignorance and you take away the fear.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-38570090016864111612013-12-21T12:29:00.004-05:002013-12-21T12:29:49.051-05:00Thoughts on Depression<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been on the antidepressants for a while now and they are quite definitely helping.<br />
<br />
Before Antidepressants Average Day:<br />
Wake up. Cry. Work. Excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. Home. Cry. Watch tv, or read a book, or anything that may get me out of my head. Try to sleep, can't sleep. Start cycle all over again.<br />
<br />
Now:<br />
Wake up, Work, Home, Go out, hang with friends, laugh, bed. <br />
<br />
Except the last couple of days. The last few have been bad. Really bad. Scary bad. Yesterday, I woke up late, rushed around, forgot I had to get gas on the way to work, was 20 minutes late, felt so awful about being late I started berating myself in my head.<br />
<br />
My depression: Stupid bitch. You can't do anything right. Everything you do is never going to be good enough. If you hadn't switched out your alarm clock, this wouldn't have happened. You're an idiot. It's the fucking busy time, you have to get shit done. Now you threw off the whole day. <br />
<br />
Then there was a miscommunication about the hours that would be worked on Saturday, where I thought I was getting shorted for the week. I got angry and paranoid and pissed. When the dust cleared and all was well, the boss gave me shit for not taking the time to think things through and acting like a fool. Bam.<br />
<br />
Depression: See! You can't think right. You aren't patient enough. You assume the worst. And your boss hates you and if you keep pissing him off there goes your job and then what will you do? Fucking no good, piece of shit. Keep your head down and do your fucking job.<br />
<br />
That was when I realized the bad thought spiral had begun and was already snowballing. I texted my friend to let her know I wouldn't be able to make it out to her party and offered a raincheck for a later time. Got back the reply: Noted. Well, fuck me sideways. Everything I touch is just turning to shit.<br />
<br />
I can't deal with being around people. I'm already taking any little thing way too much to heart. Now I've let a friend down on top of everything else. <br />
<br />
Depression: You're a horrible friend. You can't even suck it up and make it out for one night? The fuck is wrong with you, stupid whiny bitch. And look at you, you weak stupid bitch, crying again. Cry baby.<br />
<br />
Text from roomie: Can you let out and feed the dog? I'll be home late.<br />
Reply: Sure. Where are you going?<br />
Roomie: Mutual friend's house.<br />
Reply: have fun.<br />
<br />
Depression: You see! Proof again that you suck and no one wants to be around you. Your friend didn't want to spend time with you. <br />
<br />
Further texts with roomie where I let her know I was having a really bad day and she was supportive and kind. Then texts from mutual friend inviting me over and supportive kindness.<br />
<br />
Started to settle down a little. Home then a little tv then bath then sleep.<br />
<br />
Texted the boy to let him know I wasn't going anywhere. Made vague plans for today. Jumped on facebook and was messaged by a friend. At this point my brain just said NO. Let her know I just couldn't and then got a comment from the birthday girl that let me know, yup, she's pissed. Cried myself into a headache. Then messaged her trying to explain a little that if I had it in me, I'd be there.<br />
She doesn't know me that well and has no clue that this is seriously unusual behavior from me.<br />
<br />
Took a bath for about three minutes before dropping my kindle in the water. Really?<br />
<br />
Depression: Fool! You know better than that shit. Serves you right. Would've been better off if it had electrocuted you. At least then you wouldn't be fucking up everything and other people's lives.<br />
<br />
Got the back cover off the kindle, laid it out to dry. Took a pill to help me sleep and alternately stared at the ceiling and cried for an hour before going to sleep.<br />
<br />
Woke up late because of the sleeping tablet and rushed through to get to work this morning. This morning, I'm back on my even keel and doing just fine.<br />
<br />
Hallelujah. If that nonsense had continued, I would've had to make an apt with the Psychiatrist and switch up meds or something.<br />
<br />
I can tell when it's my depression talking. I can argue it down with common sense most of the time. Yesterday was plain awful. Today is pretty good and hopefully tonight will be awesome.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-75762366139349640152013-10-09T12:51:00.002-04:002013-10-09T12:51:54.908-04:00New Car!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm getting a new car on thursday evening. I can't wait. It's little and cute and sporty and green and I love it love it love it!<br />
No more disintegrating leather on the steering wheel.<br />
No more antenna stuck in the up position.<br />
No more cassette tape stuck in the deck.<br />
No more overheating.<br />
No more disconnecting the battery.<br />
No more trunk that destroys things.<br />
No more chipped paint.<br />
No more florida fade.<br />
No more cloudy headlights.<br />
No more dented bumper.<br />
No more mystery stain.<br />
No more ground in smoker smell.<br />
No more cigarette burns.<br />
No more wondering if I can fit in that spot.<br />
Clean and shiny and pretty and new!<br />
One more day. One more day.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-84480902043097585422013-10-08T08:01:00.000-04:002013-10-08T08:01:41.139-04:00Favorite Songs<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
1. Mike &the Mechanics - The Living Years<br />
2. Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah<br />
3. Unknown - As the Deer Panteth For the Water<br />
4. Pachelbel - Canon<br />
5. Etta James - At Last<br />
6. Annette Hanshaw - I Wanna Be Loved You<br />
7. Kristy McNichol - Hold On<br />
8. Simon & Garfunkel - Richard Cory<br />
9. Simon & Garfunkel - Sound of Silence<br />
10. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man<br />
11. Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More<br />
12. Indigo Girls - Closer to Fine<br />
Why?<br />
Obviously I enjoy sad story songs with good melody and if you give me harmonization as well I'm in heaven</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-71403118851605456772013-10-02T12:16:00.003-04:002013-10-02T12:16:50.047-04:00The State of My Mind<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have an appointment with a shrink on the 14th. I keep having imaginary conversations with my shrink-to-be. Explaining that I'm not really crazy and just need some drugs to keep me that way.<br />
<br />
I'm depressed. No suicidal ideation as yet. (For the layman that means I'm not making plans to off myself)<br />
<br />
I have a personal history of depression starting as a teenager. Then as I grew it stabilized to just ruining my life in the winter.<br />
<br />
Every winter, I'd go into hibernation. Didn't want to leave the house or see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything.<br />
<br />
I decided I deserved having my winters back so I moved to Florida.<br />
Year One, no depression at all.<br />
Year 2-7 still good.<br />
Year 8: 2 dead grandparents and trips to cold climate meant about six months of mourning/depression.<br />
Year 9: Melancholy tendencies but no severe problems. Needed a few nudges to get out of the house.<br />
Year 10 aka Now: I've cried every day for the last month and a half and it doesn't seem to be stopping. I'd made and canceled plans because I don't feel capable of dealing with people socially. I got off facebook because any sad post was guaranteed to make me cry. I can't deal well with other people's problems right now. I don't want to and I just can't handle it. I started staying up insanely late to read or watch tv or avoid reality in other ways. This leaves me tired and worn out and doing a shit job at work. I can't concentrate on tasks. I can't get my shit together. <br />
<br />
I'm tired, lonely, and don't feel like anyone could understand. Then I started thinking that maybe I just wasn't worth bothering about. That is what made me pick up the phone and make an appointment. <br />
<br />
I'd been down that road before. That way leads to knives and death plans and making really, really bad decisions.<br />
<br />
I'm doing what I should be. Get outside, see the sun. <br />
Find activities that make me happy.<br />
Eat my veggies.<br />
<br />
I'm trying. Really trying the best that I can.<br />
<br />
I started losing my temper and snapping at people. Swearing at one and hanging up in their face. I haven't hung up on someone since I was a teenager. <br />
<br />
I hate getting angry. I keep a lid on it tight 99% of the time. I look at the bigger picture and remember that anger doesn't achieve anything. <br />
<br />
But when you aren't being listened to, sometimes you need to yell. And right now I feel like no one is listening.<br />
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-10089699648042256272013-09-18T13:53:00.001-04:002013-09-18T13:53:08.764-04:00Temporary Fixes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I left Facebook. Half of the people who are in contact with me get in touch via Facebook. I just cut so many people out of my life. <br />
<br />
Time to get away from screens and back to living. <br />
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-35711755641829915872013-08-27T01:50:00.002-04:002013-08-27T01:50:24.803-04:00Lost in my own head<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I realized I haven't written in a little while. Why? <br />
<br />
I've been busy playing Candy Crush Saga.<br />
I've been reading some decent books.<br />
I've been watching both good and godawful tv.<br />
<br />
This is not good. I've been all input and no output. Most times for me that means there's something I'm trying really hard not to think about. Escaping into fantasy to avoid the reality.<br />
<br />
So next question is.... What's wrong?<br />
<br />
I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling fat and ugly and stupid. I'm feeling like life isn't that bad for me so I shouldn't complain. I'm feeling like if I give in to the depression, I won't come back up. I'm feeling like I'm forcing too many laughs and faking too many smiles. I'm feeling like no one can understand because the "Why?" of it all is too nebulous to define. <br />
<br />
Progression.<br />
Bad day, temper shortens. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.<br />
<br />
Can't sleep well, cranky and tired therefore bad day again. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.<br />
<br />
Repeat. <br />
Repeat.<br />
<br />
I have excellent friends. I can talk to them. Tell them what's twisted up in my head but not if I can't explain it to myself. Besides, everyone has their own problems. People are dealing with illness, death, unemployment, relationship issues, blah, blah, blah.<br />
<br />
So I keep my mouth shut. My problems are small. Lonely and disconnected isn't really a big problem.<br />
For a while.<br />
<br />
The weight is increasing. I still can't figure out what is wrong but it's starting to wear me down. <br />
<br />
It's not like I haven't been through this before. Every time I slide down this slope, I just get terrified of not being able to climb back up. I've been at the bottom of the pit before. So far down you can't see the sun anymore. <br />
<br />
I'm not in the pit yet but the slope is getting steeper and my fingers are getting weaker.<br />
<br />
I know what I need to do and I'm doing some of it.<br />
I'm interacting with others, even when I don't want to.<br />
I'm going out in public, even though I don't want to.<br />
I need to do the things that always make me smile.<br />
I need to be outside.<br />
I need to be by the water.<br />
I need to be able to let myself cry this out.<br />
I need to put myself first for a bit.<br />
<br />
The horrible thing is that I really really don't want to post this. Because then comes the smothering. And the constant "How are you feeling?" And the fear of leaving me alone. I don't want people to worry about me. I will be ok. I'm just not ok now. But if I don't talk about it and share what's happening then I'll just keep feeling disconnected.<br />
<br />
And the very fact that I'm not wanting to bother anyone about how I'm feeling shows exactly how low my self esteem is right now. Back in my suicidal days, that was my modus operandi. I'm not worth bothering about. I knew people loved me. It didn't matter. I wasn't worthy of any of it. Everything I touched turned to shit. All I could focus on was every little thing I did wrong.<br />
<br />
The other problem is people believing me when I tell them I'm depressed. You? You're happy girl! Come on. They assume it's a quick get over it or I just want attention or they take me seriously and over react.<br />
<br />
I'm not about to off myself. I never will. I'm just struggling a little bit. I need to find my happy again.<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-75303038668115203962013-06-30T11:29:00.000-04:002013-06-30T11:29:19.608-04:00Hidradenitis 3- Less Ugly than Before<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If you haven't read Hidradenitis 1 &2, please do. Otherwise you'll be totally lost.<br />
<br />
So another month and a bit of the new antibiotic has gone by. Another month and a half at least to go.<br />
<br />
Vast improvement. Like fantastic. No open wounds at all. No swelling, no infection.<br />
<br />
I've been slacking on using the topical ointments like I should. It's easy to forget now that it's so much better.<br />
<br />
I'll always have the nasty scarring at this point. This will come back again. But I look back on the years (and I do mean years) of suffering and pain and infection and discomfort and wonder again. Why the hell did I wait so long to get treatment?<br />
<br />
For right now, I'm taking my pills like I should. I'll start using the topicals again like I should. I did quit smoking(6 weeks now). The doc said hidradenitis is more prevalent in smokers than non and did suggest quitting. My sinuses are thrilled with me quitting. Only 2 sudafed since I stopped. Yay!<br />
<br />
Keeping up the fight. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. So I have to make the choices to do it.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-8489211345277974862013-06-29T10:07:00.003-04:002013-06-29T10:07:31.673-04:00Ex Talk<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So my ex called me last night. After midnight and we all know what that means. Amongst other things we chatted about, he asked me a question.<br />
<br />
"You know me. How do I treat women?"he asked.<br />
"Holy crap, man. You realize who you're asking, right?" I replied.<br />
"Yeah, I know we have history but you know what I mean." he said.<br />
"Well, you've been a complete asshole at times. Treated me like crap." I said matter-of-factly.<br />
Dumbfounded silence.<br />
"Wow. Really? I feel like crap now." he said.<br />
"What? You want me to lie to you? Not all the time but you definitely had your moments." I replied.<br />
"No, but..... I... I gotta go." he said hurriedly diving out of the emotional wreckage.<br />
"Goodnight." I said a little sadly.<br />
<br />
I think it'll be a little bit before he tries to call me again.<br />
<br />
Now for the sad part. I feel bad for making him feel bad. I didn't lie. He asked me the question, I didn't volunteer. It's a little sad that I still want to protect him from pain. It's a lot sad that he didn't realize until that second that he treated me badly.<br />
<br />
He won't apologize. The boy doesn't do that. I've been so ridiculously easy on him. It must've been like the family dog suddenly turning around and biting you.<br />
<br />
The other sad thing is that we were finally beginning to be able to just talk as friends again. Now that I've shown my teeth, we may not be able too.<br />
<br />
I can say it's his loss and that would be true but it wouldn't be the whole truth. The truth is it's my loss too. I like him. He's incapable of commitment (at least to me), he's fond of the bottle, and he says some of the stupidest nonsense I've ever heard, but he also is loyal to his friends, always ready with a joke, and has held me when I cried.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-30759816820317910022013-06-05T17:59:00.001-04:002013-06-05T17:59:32.833-04:00Change isn't that scary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
18 days and not even a drag off a friend's smoke. I hereby pronounce myself a non-smoker. So this change went so well, I've decided to make some more.<br />
<br />
I've already accomplished one other thing without even trying. No soda or any caffeinated beverage past 2 pm. I'm trying not to drink my calories. Also caffeine is hitting me like a brick nowadays.<br />
<br />
I want to be more active. Kickball, swimming, and taking walks will become a regular part of my life. I love playing basketball, volleyball, tennis and such. I enjoy it. So why aren't I doing it? My friends are great people but they aren't the most active. So I'm trying to get others I know to hang out and play and it's time to meet some new people.<br />
<br />
Meeting new people. This is the slightly scary one. I joined a dating website for the first time ever. It's weird. I'm not desperate and it just feels like a desperate thing to do. I know, I know. A lot of my friends meet people online all the time. I don't judge them. They're showing courage by actively looking for what they want. The problem is this. I can't judge how I'll get along with someone until I actually meet them. My gut can't tell who's an ok guy from a picture and a paragraph. It's only been a couple of days on the site so we'll see how it goes.<br />
<br />
I want to be more politically active. Why shouldn't I be standing up for what I believe in? I went to a March Against Monsanto where I knew no one and I had a good time. I've voted Libertarian since I could vote and I may want to get involved in local politics in some capacity. I'm NOT going to run for office but I'd like to help promote the Libertarian agenda.<br />
<br />
Medically, I've been keeping up with my doctor's appointments and taking medications like I should. I need to get back to the dentist for a cleaning. I also need to make and keep an appointment with a chiropractor and get my neck fixed.<br />
<br />
Call it an early mid life crisis. I am the only one who can change my life. So why shouldn't I? If I want adventure and excitement and new and unusual, it's not coming to see me in my living room. I have to go meet it.<br />
<br />
Wish me luck.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-75833978109124622852013-05-20T20:14:00.002-04:002013-05-20T20:14:40.164-04:00Hidradenitis 2: The Ugly continues<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Please read Hidradenitis first as this is just an update.<br />
<br />
So what had happened was.... <br />
<br />
The medication they first tried me on got me sick. <br />
<br />
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_519abb3cadd4c7490529403">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">My side effects: I dealt with the dry skin. I dealt with the dandruff. I dealt with the red and orange pee and poop. I dealt with the constant thirst. I dealt with everything tasting like metal. I said to myself that it would be worth it. Then my back started acting up and I was stiff in all my joints. The stiffness got worse and I was constantly cracking my knuckles and trying to stretch away the<span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show"> pain. I woke up in the morning and almost fell over getting out of bed. My hands hurt enough that it was difficult to brush my teeth. I popped six motrin and went to work. Called the doc. She told me to stop taking them. That if the side effects were this severe two weeks in, I would only deal with more severe side effects for being on it another 8 weeks. I'm angry and upset since the meds were working on my skin. For the first time in years, I don't have an open sore. I was so hopeful. Now it's back to the doc on the 15th for a new and different med.</span></span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span> </div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"> Within 3 days of being off the meds, my joints felt absolutely fine again.</span></span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span> </div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show">Now I'm on doxycline and switching the topicals to every other day instead of daily. Only one inflamed area became an issue and I had a shot of cortisone today to take it down a notch. Two months until my next appointment. </span></span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span> </div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show">Keeping on, keeping on.</span></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-59277430705496452692013-05-16T01:22:00.000-04:002013-05-16T01:22:33.171-04:00Just me. And that's plenty good enough.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I tend to share a lot of myself with the world. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, I put them on display through social media and conversation. I don't hide things. <br />
<br />
The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend and she told me I was the least private person she knew. She on the other hand is very private. I told her why I'm not. And now you get to know too.<br />
<br />
What is the point of privacy? Hiding your true self and how you feel. Why would you do that? Fear.<br />
Fear of judgement, persecution, resentment.<br />
<br />
I will not live in fear. I want people to like me for who I am. Not for the image I project. If they don't then oh well. <br />
<br />
We live by so many arbitrary rules everyday, many of which are antiquated and useless. <br />
<br />
Let me give you a quick and easy example. <br />
<br />
Clothing.<br />
It is acceptable on a hot summer day on the beach or a park or a basketball court for only one gender to take their shirt off.<br />
Why?<br />
It's immodest for a woman to show her body?<br />
It's to keep the woman safe as all men are sexual predators waiting to attack once they see bare flesh? Boobs burn easy?<br />
<br />
So if a girl and a guy are both walking around without a shirt on, why the hell is only the girl going to be arrested for indecent exposure?<br />
<br />
Now I'm not saying, "Hey ladies! Let's all walk around topless!" I'm just pointing out basic pointless traditions which became rules and laws.<br />
<br />
We follow the trends. We "Just Say No!" to acid washed jeans. We will wear painted faces everyday to work because THAT is what makes us professional. We wear shoes that hurt our feet in ten minutes of wear because that is "Appropriate" office apparel for women. (It's ok. The big strong men will take care of us.)<br />
<br />
We are lied to about our worth as women and as human beings on a daily basis by TRADITION.<br />
<br />
Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.<br />
1. You aren't married? Don't worry you'll find someone.<br />
2. No kids yet? Tick tock.<br />
3. Don't hurt yourself picking up that 15 lb box. I'll take care of that for you, little lady.<br />
4. What's the problem? Is it that time of the month?<br />
5. You can change a tire? By yourself?<br />
6. What are you reading? One of those romance novels you girls like?<br />
7. You know you should wear shorter skirts if you want to get a guy.<br />
8. I'll bet you're a great cook.<br />
9. Can you sew on a button for me?<br />
10. All you women are crazy.<br />
<br />
According to society, at my age I should be married with kids and spend my day with cooking, cleaning and needlework. <br />
According to society since I'm not, I am not worth as much as those who are.<br />
According to society, I must be either: A. Unable to keep a man because I'm deficient in looks. B. One of those damn feminists. or C. A psycho hosebeast.<br />
<br />
You can be a Nobel Prize Winner but if you happen to be female your life just isn't complete until you're married and breeding.<br />
<br />
Screw that noise.<br />
<br />
I work 40 hours a week. I pay my own bills. I can change my own tire. I can put together a shelving unit. I cook my own meals. I have no kids. I don't want any kids. I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm not married and don't know if ever I will be. But I can tell you one thing for certain. Unless I meet and fall in love with a guy who sees, accepts, acknowledges, and appreciates my strength of body, character, mind and heart.............. I won't be.<br />
<br />
I am complete by myself. I don't need someone else to complete me. I am not less because I am not part of a couple. I am not less because I don't want children. I am not less because I'm not beautiful.<br />
<br />
I reject those lies. I AM ENOUGH.<br />
<br />
Screw you society. You're a jerk. I don't have to listen to you.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3822230920251837468.post-74595118976187391582013-05-02T08:00:00.001-04:002013-05-02T08:00:20.277-04:00Unsent Letter<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I hate finding out important stuff from other people. It makes me feel like you don't think about me. It makes me feel like you don't trust me.<br />
<br />
I don't want to have to be the one to pick up the phone and call you. I certainly don't want to be handed off to someone else to talk to. That just makes me feel like you don't care about what I have to say.<br />
<br />
I am not an inconvenience. I am part of your life. I'm someone who will always love you.<br />
<br />
But right now, your actions are making me feel like I'm not important to you.<br />
<br />
That hurts. And pisses me off.<br />
<br />
You will always be a part of my life. This isn't new. You acting this way. So I have to either accept it or throw a fit about it.<br />
<br />
You went into the hospital. I heard about it a week later from your someone else. You wrecked your car. I heard about it 12 days later from again someone who isn't you. <br />
<br />
This is unacceptable.<br />
<br />
I know I live in another state and out of sight is often out of mind but come on.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08484238344860047026noreply@blogger.com0