Trials and Tribulations

What can you do?

More importantly, what should you do?

I've finally learned enough that I know you can't change other people. All you can do is decide how to deal with them.

Sometimes, it's worth the fight. Sometimes, it's not.

I can't make anyone decide that I'm a good person. There will always be those who I rub the wrong way. There will always be someone that on a fundamental level I just can't agree with on anything.

On the other hand, you have those few precious people who you instantly click with and know in the course of one conversation that you will always be close from that day forward. Kindred spirits. People of like minds.

I have many faults and flaws. When I'm overwhelmed with stuff, I hide out from the world. When I am busy, I tend to snap at people. I expect others to be open and put their hearts on the table, because that's how I am. I'm a hugger and a loud talker and some to most times lack a filter. Whatever is in my head just flies out of my mouth. I get scared when someone first tells me they love me.

I like to think I have many good qualities as well. I'm quick to laugh. I love discussing ideas and world views. I'm interested in new things. I try to be there for my friends. I love learning. I have a lovely phone voice. I love deeply. I give second chances even when I shouldn't. I'm very truthful.

One quote that's been haunting me lately is this. "People need love the most when they deserve it the least."

But I can't save people from themselves. I can't be there 100% of the time. I can't make them change. I can't dig them out of depression. If someone doesn't want to hear the truth, I can't make them listen. I can't fix them.

All I can do is accept and love and pray. Other man's burdens are not my burdens. I can only carry so much.

For right now, I'm letting go. Goodbye to the drama and the heartache. Goodbye to the sinking feeling you get when someone you love makes a really bad choice. Goodbye to the lack of trust. Goodbye to the lack of appreciation. Goodbye to despair and pain.

I wish you the best. I truly hope you find your way. I hope God is good to you. I hope life turns around and cuts you a few breaks. I wish you nothing but peace love and happiness. I hope you find what you need to thrive and not simply survive.

I will always care about you. Even if you won't believe it.

Missing Pieces (Furniture and Love)

We are like pieces of furniture from Ikea. (LOVE Ikea by the way)-
Work with me on this.

We start with simple function and clean lines. Then we get messy with personality.
That's our equivalent to repainting or embellishing.

We let others into our lives.
 Some help comfort. (Add a throw pillow)
 Some add confusion. (Glow in the dark paint? Really?)
 Some are so close they help support. ( You're getting your books on my couch.)
Some just want to demo everything and start anew. (Beware the sledgehammer of DOOM!)
Some are just not your style. (Listen. You're shabby chic and I'm a leather sectional. Not happening.)

So anyway, the point I'm getting to ......
YES! I do have a point!

Ahem. As I was saying.

One of my support pieces has been removed. We used to be part of the same collection. Mismatched matching pieces. I slip a bit to the side and notice freshly that he's gone. Will I get that support from a new piece? Will a new piece go with my other pieces? Do I need refinishing before I go with any piece? My support piece that I'm missing horribly,  left some dents and scratches but without that support will I just fall apart and splinter everywhere?

Breast Cancer- My Awareness

I used to know a girl named Julia. She was quick to smile, had expressive eyes, and a clear strong singing voice. When I met her, she already knew she was dying. I was friendly but was scared to really get to know someone just as they were about to go. I was young and foolish. It was profoundly unfair that she got taken so young.

I hadn't thought about Julia for a long time. She got brought up today on Facebook. I started crying immediately.

Sadness for her not being in the world anymore and for my friends who were close to her still missing her. And sheer terror and panic because I know a woman who has just been diagnosed.

I'm scared things will go badly. I'm scared that she will suffer. I'm scared for her family because she is the glue that keeps it all going. I'm scared her faith will weaken. I'm mad that I can't be there because I live in a different state.

Most of all, I'm scared because there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.

If you pray, please say one for her and her family.

I am what you are - Thoughts on friendship

If you haven't heard much from me lately, you aren't alone.
 I've been getting a little bogged down in the swamp of my mind. No, I'm not depressed.
 Just been trying to figure out where I'm heading and what company I should keep.

 The people around you, affect you. Some in little ways, some in big. Everything you surround yourself with changes you.

And now I'll even be specific.

Ann Oviatt. When I hang out with Ann, I get a little more sarcastic, a little more thoughtful, and am quick to laugh.

Bob Armstrong. When hanging with my brother, I get a lot sillier, more prone to make really bad jokes, and more quick to give advice. I hardly ever curse.

My ex-boyfriend who shall remain nameless. I feel prettier, I flirt more, I relax a lot more, I'm incredibly more prone to speak my mind.

Moriah Youket. I listen more, I worry a lit more, I tease more, I am more patient.

Enrique Sasoon. I'm more likely to be physically affectionate(hugs and stuff-Get your mind out of the gutter people), I eat takeout more, I talk religion more.

I am myself and happy to be myself with all these people but who I am changes when I'm with them.
I'm sure they change when they are with me. You can't help but carry some of the moods and habits of the people you spend time with. 

It's not  that we want each other to change, although of course sometimes we definitely do, but that we react and adapt instinctively to what we find as attractive qualities in our friends. Unfortunately we pick up some bad habits as well. We drink more with the hardcore drinkers, we smoke more around the smokers, we talk more crap with the gossipers.

If I become someone I don't like around someone else, I should simply not be around them.

I really wonder how I change those around me.

Officially an Adult

I can't get away from it. It's looming on the horizon. Only eight more days until it happens.

I'm turning 35. No more young adult box to check. I'm a grown up.

It's not that I mind getting older. Better than the alternative. It's just there's no more fallback to being young and carefree.

Planning for the future is expected and necesary. I worry that I don't have a 401K plan. I dread lacking insurance. Bits of my body will always crack and creak from this time on. If I want to have babies (which I don't) there is now a time limit on my girly parts.

Not to mention that despite a close call in my younger days, I'll be 35 and never married. I'm a spinster. I'm an old maid. I'm the crazy aunt who never got hitched. I'm a few cats away from being the cat lady.

There is a time frame that exists in most people's heads. By 25, I'll be out of college. By 30, I'll be married. By 35, my life will be organized and mostly settled. At 40, midlife crisis time to renew my youth. By 50, the kids should be out of the house. By 60, sweet retirement and bingo.

That plan only exists in dreamland now.

I have a decent job which I enjoy. I rent out half a house with a friend. I have a car that's somehow still surviving. I live nowhere near any family. I have some good friends and some phenomenal friends. I paint badly. I blog. I read.

It's not a bad life at all. But it isn't where I expected to be.

 As a shameless romantic that I am, mainly I'm missing the someone to build a life with. I want that. I want the someone to bring me the thermometer when I don't feel well. I want the kiss goodnight. I want the simple everyday togetherness. Watching tv with my head in his lap. Random cuddling. Making lunches for the both of us. Planning the trip to visit the family. Someone to worry with and love with and trust with.

Well, I ain't dead yet. Hope shall live on. Maybe I don't get to have that life, but just maybe I do.

I am the Queen!

I think I need new business cards. I declared myself Queen Kristen of the Kingdom of Kristen today. I have 15 loyal subjects at the moment. All valiant and true as any monarch could wish for.

Please like Kingdom of Kristen on Facebook.

It started off silly and just got sillier. Titles have been bestowed upon my favored subjects. There are now pictures of me as Queen. And a possibility of joining a League of Imaginary Nations.

I'm having the time of my life with this! Even the roommate's dog has a title.

Next up, our national anthem. Oh yeah! My subjects like to dance.

I hope to be a kind and beneficent ruler. Our Mission statement is to enjoy each other and have fun. I think most can get behind that platform.

If you feel you can't pledge your allegiance to me, you can simply be a friend of the kingdom.

Thanks for playing pretend with me.

Her Royal Majesty,
Queen Kristen

The Fear of Scurvy

I do not eat as I should. I don't have my proper amounts of fruit and veggies on a daily basis. Instead what I do is eat junk junk and more junk all week long. Then comes the point where my body says FEED ME FRUIT! I crave apples or figs or plums or even berries.

What invariably comes out of my mouth is "I can't do Five Guys for dinner. I need green food or I'm going to get the scurvy."

So I get my butt to the grocery store and the fruit looks gross. Overwaxed apples starting to brown. Shrunken heads of lettuce. Strawberries going extra juicy on the bottom.  I'm not eating that. Dried figs and dates and tinned pears it is. And juice. Must have juice.

But something strange and wonderful happened this week. I went to a different grocery store and the fruit and veg is gorgeous! I loaded up with fresh strawberries, blackberries, apples, grape tomatoes, lettuce, and ......  wait for it ....... RHUBARB!

If anyone wants to share a rhubarb recipe with me please do! In the meantime I'm going to chop it up with strawberries, warm it up and pour a little heavy cream on top.

So I'm going to go to two different grocery stores every week now. My usual chain still being cheaper on my regular buys and the one closer to home with the amazing produce section

Or I may just go right next door to my job and check out the organic market.

Baby steps to good nutrition, baby steps.

But hey, I won't get scurvy anytime soon.