Please Hold.

Please hold. Your call will be answered in the order it was recieved.
La la la la.

That's what life feels like right now. A wait. An annoying wait with unhelpful customer service agents avoiding answering.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen. Or why I feel like it may happen at any time. I don't think it'll be horribly bad or ridiculously good. But something will change in a big way soon.

In the meantime, it's life as usual. Work, karoake, reading, shopping, cleaning.

I'm getting impatient for it to happen. One way or the other, the shoe will drop.

But I really really really hate waiting.

It can't get in the car!

So I was driving down roads aimlessly getting totally lost with my friend Jess in the car.

 Not that one the other Jess. No the other one. I know a lot of Jessicas.

We ended up on this dirt road and the trees kept getting bigger and bigger on each side of the road. There were no lights except my headlights. No houses anywhere in sight. The branches of the trees began to weave together above us blotting out the moonlight entirely.

Suddenly a dog starting barking loudly. It sounded like it was coming from directly outside the car.
I started screaming but couldn't drive any faster because of the visibility.

Jess starts screaming over me.

"It can't get in the car! It can't get in the car!" She kept repeating it until I started laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

Did I ever tell you that I'm so happy my friends know me so well?

She got me from freaked out paranoia to laughing at myself in four sentences.

Thank God for true friendship.

FML

FML stands for Fuck My Life. It's becoming more and more popular. It's also dangerous thinking. We should not be training ourselves to think about every little thing that's gone wrong anytime one little thing has gone wrong. It's popularity isn't all that surprising given that kids do adore superlatives. Everything is epic or a total fail. What's disturbing to me is the amount of adults picking up the phrase.

Words Have Power. Anything we say has the right to be used against us in a court of law.Angry words bring on more anger. Soft words soothe. Words educate us about the world and tell us a lot about who's saying them.

So when I hear someone say "I got a flat tire. FML." It annoys me immensely. In the scheme of things, a flat tire is a minor inconvenience. So now I must assume the person complaining is just a whiner. Or someone who just doesn't think before they speak. Or is terribly mechanically inept. Or is already depressed and the tire is a last straw.

When you use the phrase "Fuck My Life" it's giving in to all the negative. It's probably the most negative thing you can say. So when you say it, you are saying your life is worthless and nothing goes right and noone is there for you. Well I regret to inform you, you keep up that attitude and that's what you should expect. People are attracted to positive things. People like fun and smiling. People get frustrated and upset with others who are consistently negative.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK.
If you keep thinking FML, your life won't get better. Another little thing, life will never get better on it's own. Work for it. If you aren't willing to make the effort, someone else will be.

So suck it up and count your blessings and do SOMETHING about the stuff you care about. You can change the world but not by just bitching about it.

What I'm Supposed to Do

Today I was supposed to go to a funeral.
I was supposed to be there for my friend who lost her husband.
I was supposed to be able to help.
I was supposed to be strong enough to do it.
I was supposed to suck it up and get it done.
I was supposed to forge on.
I was supposed to be ok.

Who's saying I was supposed to?
Me. That's the problem. I can't get away from that judgemental bitch.

My reasons for not doing what I was supposed to do:
I didn't know the man other than meeting him twice briefly.
I think funerals are for those who loved the deceased to gather together and bond in their grief.
I get sick to my stomach thinking of going to another funeral.
I'm bad with death. This would just add to the weight I already carry.
I just don't have it in me to force myself to go right now.

What my conscience is saying:
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
You should've sucked it up and gone.
You're a shitty friend.
People can't count on you anymore.
You need to get over the death thing and just do it.
You've just proven that when the chips are down, you won't be there.
You're just a selfish bitch who can't be there for other people.
You just lost a friend over this.(I can hear my mother's voice in this one.)
Go hide away from death and pain, little girl.


Words from the superego:
Knock it off with that kind of thinking.
You know you're your own worst enemy.
Relax. You are allowed to be flawed and human.

I'm supposed to be better than I am.

Hope and Loss

I keep writing and erasining. An acquaintance of mine, we only met a handful of times, took her own life. I have another person in my life who is struggling badly and is standing on the edge too.

As someone who has been through depression, I know the helpless despair. I've had those thoughts that I was worth nothing and life would be better without me in it. How can you bear the pain so long? What keeps you going?

 I just want to scream to the world that it will get better. It will get easier. Second by second, hour by hour, you CAN fight this. You can change your circumstances, change your ways. It won't always be this way.

It's a tragedy. A damn shame. It makes me mad and angry and helpless all at once.

Despair shouldn't win. Giving up isn't the answer.

THERE IS HELP. There ARE people who care.

But I've been on that edge. I've held that knife in my hand. I've struggled trying to keep my head above the self loathing and the hatred and the unbearable sadness.

I kept going. I got through the hell in my head. It took time and patience and perserverance.

It hurts my soul that sometimes people can't.

I lost a friend I never had the chance to get to know.

I'm trying not to let the worry for my other friend take over. I'm so scared for her. It's a hard journey coming back up into the light. It's a battle. But she had the courage and strength left in her to ask for the help she needs. She is strong and smart and brave.

My heart is breaking for them both.

Hope and faith and two of the most precious gifts we have. We have to nourish them.

Please pray for the friends and family Dawn Kramer has left behind. Please pray that my other friend will keep her hope alive. Please pray for her family and friends and the doctors as they try to help her cope.

And if you ever feel like giving up please call me or a friend or a hotline. Please ask for help. We are all in this crazy messed up world together. Please don't let the darkness win.
 

Trials and Tribulations

What can you do?

More importantly, what should you do?

I've finally learned enough that I know you can't change other people. All you can do is decide how to deal with them.

Sometimes, it's worth the fight. Sometimes, it's not.

I can't make anyone decide that I'm a good person. There will always be those who I rub the wrong way. There will always be someone that on a fundamental level I just can't agree with on anything.

On the other hand, you have those few precious people who you instantly click with and know in the course of one conversation that you will always be close from that day forward. Kindred spirits. People of like minds.

I have many faults and flaws. When I'm overwhelmed with stuff, I hide out from the world. When I am busy, I tend to snap at people. I expect others to be open and put their hearts on the table, because that's how I am. I'm a hugger and a loud talker and some to most times lack a filter. Whatever is in my head just flies out of my mouth. I get scared when someone first tells me they love me.

I like to think I have many good qualities as well. I'm quick to laugh. I love discussing ideas and world views. I'm interested in new things. I try to be there for my friends. I love learning. I have a lovely phone voice. I love deeply. I give second chances even when I shouldn't. I'm very truthful.

One quote that's been haunting me lately is this. "People need love the most when they deserve it the least."

But I can't save people from themselves. I can't be there 100% of the time. I can't make them change. I can't dig them out of depression. If someone doesn't want to hear the truth, I can't make them listen. I can't fix them.

All I can do is accept and love and pray. Other man's burdens are not my burdens. I can only carry so much.

For right now, I'm letting go. Goodbye to the drama and the heartache. Goodbye to the sinking feeling you get when someone you love makes a really bad choice. Goodbye to the lack of trust. Goodbye to the lack of appreciation. Goodbye to despair and pain.

I wish you the best. I truly hope you find your way. I hope God is good to you. I hope life turns around and cuts you a few breaks. I wish you nothing but peace love and happiness. I hope you find what you need to thrive and not simply survive.

I will always care about you. Even if you won't believe it.

Missing Pieces (Furniture and Love)

We are like pieces of furniture from Ikea. (LOVE Ikea by the way)-
Work with me on this.

We start with simple function and clean lines. Then we get messy with personality.
That's our equivalent to repainting or embellishing.

We let others into our lives.
 Some help comfort. (Add a throw pillow)
 Some add confusion. (Glow in the dark paint? Really?)
 Some are so close they help support. ( You're getting your books on my couch.)
Some just want to demo everything and start anew. (Beware the sledgehammer of DOOM!)
Some are just not your style. (Listen. You're shabby chic and I'm a leather sectional. Not happening.)

So anyway, the point I'm getting to ......
YES! I do have a point!

Ahem. As I was saying.

One of my support pieces has been removed. We used to be part of the same collection. Mismatched matching pieces. I slip a bit to the side and notice freshly that he's gone. Will I get that support from a new piece? Will a new piece go with my other pieces? Do I need refinishing before I go with any piece? My support piece that I'm missing horribly,  left some dents and scratches but without that support will I just fall apart and splinter everywhere?