New Car!

I'm getting a new car on thursday evening. I can't wait. It's little and cute and sporty and green and I love it love it love it!
No more disintegrating leather on the steering wheel.
No more antenna stuck in the up position.
No more cassette tape stuck in the deck.
No more overheating.
No more disconnecting the battery.
No more trunk that destroys things.
No more chipped paint.
No more florida fade.
No more cloudy headlights.
No more dented bumper.
No more mystery stain.
No more ground in smoker smell.
No more cigarette burns.
No more wondering if I can fit in that spot.
Clean and shiny and pretty and new!
One more day. One more day.

Favorite Songs

1. Mike &the Mechanics - The Living Years
2. Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah
3. Unknown - As the Deer Panteth For the Water
4. Pachelbel - Canon
5. Etta James - At Last
6. Annette Hanshaw - I Wanna Be Loved You
7. Kristy McNichol - Hold On
8. Simon & Garfunkel - Richard Cory
9. Simon & Garfunkel - Sound of Silence
10. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man
11. Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More
12. Indigo Girls - Closer to Fine
Why?
Obviously I enjoy sad story songs with good melody and if you give me harmonization as well I'm in heaven

The State of My Mind

I have an appointment with a shrink on the 14th. I keep having imaginary conversations with my shrink-to-be. Explaining that I'm not really crazy and just need some drugs to keep me that way.

I'm depressed. No suicidal ideation as yet. (For the layman that means I'm not making plans to off myself)

I have a personal history of depression starting as a teenager. Then as I grew it stabilized to just ruining my life in the winter.

Every winter, I'd go into hibernation. Didn't want to leave the house or see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything.

I decided I deserved having my winters back so I moved to Florida.
Year One, no depression at all.
Year 2-7 still good.
Year 8: 2 dead grandparents and trips to cold climate meant about six months of mourning/depression.
Year 9: Melancholy tendencies but no severe problems. Needed a few nudges to get out of the house.
Year 10 aka Now: I've cried every day for the last month and a half and it doesn't seem to be stopping. I'd made and canceled plans because I don't feel capable of dealing with people socially. I got off facebook because any sad post was guaranteed to make me cry. I can't deal well with other people's problems right now. I don't want to and I just can't handle it. I started staying up insanely late to read or watch tv or avoid reality in other ways. This leaves me tired and worn out and doing a shit job at work. I can't concentrate on tasks. I can't get my shit together.

I'm tired, lonely, and don't feel like anyone could understand. Then I started thinking that maybe I just wasn't worth bothering about. That is what made me pick up the phone and make an appointment.

I'd been down that road before. That way leads to  knives and death plans and making really, really bad decisions.

I'm doing what I should be. Get outside, see the sun.
Find activities that make me happy.
Eat my veggies.

I'm trying. Really trying the best that I can.

I started losing my temper and snapping at people.  Swearing at one and hanging up in their face. I haven't hung up on someone since I was a teenager.

I hate getting angry. I keep a lid on it tight 99% of the time. I look at the bigger picture and remember that anger doesn't achieve anything.

But when you aren't being listened to, sometimes you need to yell. And right now I feel like no one is listening.
 

Temporary Fixes

I left Facebook. Half of the people who are in contact with me get in touch via Facebook. I just cut so many people out of my life.

Time to get away from screens and back to living.
 

Lost in my own head

I realized I haven't written in a little while. Why?

I've been busy playing Candy Crush Saga.
I've been reading some decent books.
I've been watching both good and godawful tv.

This is not good. I've been all input and no output. Most times for me that means there's something I'm trying really hard not to think about. Escaping into fantasy to avoid the reality.

So next question is.... What's wrong?

I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling fat and ugly and stupid. I'm feeling like life isn't that bad for me so I shouldn't complain. I'm feeling like if I give in to the depression, I won't come back up. I'm feeling like I'm forcing too many laughs and faking too many smiles. I'm feeling like no one can understand because the "Why?" of it all is too nebulous to define.

Progression.
Bad day, temper shortens. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Can't sleep well, cranky and tired therefore bad day again. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Repeat.
Repeat.

I have excellent friends. I can talk to them. Tell them what's twisted up in my head but not if I can't explain it to myself. Besides, everyone has their own problems. People are dealing with illness, death, unemployment, relationship issues, blah, blah, blah.

So I keep my mouth shut. My problems are small. Lonely and disconnected isn't really a big problem.
 For a while.

The weight is increasing. I still can't figure out what is wrong but it's starting to wear me down.

It's not like I haven't been through this before. Every time I slide down this slope, I just get terrified of not being able to climb back up. I've been at the bottom of the pit before. So far down you can't see the sun anymore.

I'm not in the pit yet but the slope is getting steeper and my fingers are getting weaker.

I know what I need to do and I'm doing some of it.
I'm interacting with others, even when I don't want to.
I'm going out in public, even though I don't want to.
I need to do the things that always make me smile.
I need to be outside.
I need to be by the water.
I need to be able to let myself cry this out.
I need to put myself first for a bit.

The horrible thing is that I really really don't want to post this. Because then comes the smothering. And the constant "How are you feeling?" And the fear of leaving me alone. I don't want people to worry about me. I will be ok. I'm just not ok now. But if I don't talk about it and share what's happening then I'll just keep feeling disconnected.

And the very fact that I'm not wanting to bother anyone about how I'm feeling shows exactly how low my self esteem is right now. Back in my suicidal days, that was my modus operandi. I'm not worth bothering about. I knew people loved me. It didn't matter. I wasn't worthy of any of it. Everything I touched turned to shit. All I could focus on was every little thing I did wrong.

The other problem is people believing me when I tell them I'm depressed. You? You're happy girl! Come on. They assume it's a quick get over it or I just want attention or they take me seriously and over react.

I'm not about to off myself. I never will. I'm just struggling a little bit. I need to find my happy again.

Hidradenitis 3- Less Ugly than Before

If you haven't read Hidradenitis 1 &2, please do. Otherwise you'll be totally lost.

So another month and a bit of the new antibiotic has gone by. Another month and a half at least to go.

Vast improvement. Like fantastic. No open wounds at all. No swelling, no infection.

I've been slacking on using the topical ointments like I should. It's easy to forget now that it's so much better.

I'll always have the nasty scarring at this point. This will come back again. But I look back on the years (and I do mean years) of suffering and pain and infection and discomfort and wonder again. Why the hell did I wait so long to get treatment?

For right now, I'm taking my pills like I should. I'll start using the topicals again like I should. I did quit smoking(6 weeks now). The doc said hidradenitis is more prevalent in smokers than non and did suggest quitting. My sinuses are thrilled with me quitting. Only 2 sudafed since I stopped. Yay!

Keeping up the fight. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. So I have to make the choices to do it.

Wish me luck.

Ex Talk

So my ex called me last night. After midnight and we all know what that means. Amongst other things we chatted about, he asked me a question.

"You know me. How do I treat women?"he asked.
"Holy crap, man. You realize who you're asking, right?" I replied.
"Yeah, I know we have history but you know what I mean." he said.
"Well, you've been a complete asshole at times. Treated me like crap." I said matter-of-factly.
Dumbfounded silence.
"Wow. Really? I feel like crap now." he said.
"What? You want me to lie to you? Not all the time but you definitely had your moments." I replied.
"No, but..... I... I gotta go." he said hurriedly diving out of the emotional wreckage.
"Goodnight." I said a little sadly.

I think it'll be a little bit before he tries to call me again.

Now for the sad part. I feel bad for making him feel bad. I didn't lie. He asked me the question, I didn't volunteer. It's a little sad that I still want to protect him from pain. It's a lot sad that he didn't realize until that second that he treated me badly.

He won't apologize. The boy doesn't do that. I've been so ridiculously easy on him. It must've been like the family dog suddenly turning around and biting you.

The other sad thing is that we were finally beginning to be able to just talk as friends again. Now that I've shown my teeth, we may not be able too.

I can say it's his loss and that would be true but it wouldn't be the whole truth. The truth is it's my loss too. I like him. He's incapable of commitment (at least to me), he's fond of the bottle, and he says some of the stupidest nonsense I've ever heard, but he also is loyal to his friends, always ready with a joke, and has held me when I cried.