Not being there

This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. I fucking hate it.
I hate not being able to be there for you.
I hate that I can't fly up for the funeral.
I hate that I can't hug you and hold you and tell you everything will be ok.
I can't help.
I can't cry with you.
I can only cry for you and that feels wrong too.
My soul is crying to be by your side instead of a 26 hour drive away.
I want to be there.
I want to soothe and comfort and help you through the pain and the cold business of the arrangements of death.
I want to be able to lay flowers on her grave and tell her bones that she was so loved.
I want to hold your family and remind you of all the true cliches.
Time heals. She'll always be with you. You'll see her on the other side.
This hurts. This metal ball rising up my throat. This gnawing sickness in my belly.
I can't do anything.
I can't be there for you.
I hate this.
I want to scream and cry and punch something.
And this is barely a fraction of what pain you are in.
Cancer isn't the death sentence it used to be.
I said that to you the last time we spoke.
I was wrong.
I am so sorry.
I want to make it all okay.
But I can't.
I can't do anything from here but cry and pray.

Struggling

Struggling.
Trying not to worry.
Trying not to be angry.
Trying not to over think everything.
Trying not to worry anyone.
Trying not to be weak.
Trying not to feel.
Some days, I just don't want to try.

Spiral

Every person who has suffered with depression more than once learns their own patterns. The things they do to deny the tears, the things they do to lift their spirits.

My depression cycle.

1. I don't want to.

2. All I would do is mess it up anyway.

3. I need to be outside more.

4. Why am I crying at this Brittany Spears song?

5. Make excuse to stay home.

6. Read through the night to keep mind occupied from bad thought spirals.

7. Always tired. Why can't I just rest?

8. I can't concentrate. I keep screwing up stupid easy stuff.

9. I'm worthless.

10. Time for meds.

11. Keep up the pretend happy.

12. You can cry later. After work is over.

13. All I want is a hug.

14. I'm so screwed up, no wonder I'm alone.

15. Stop thinking that way, stop it, stop it, stop it.

16. Can't worry them.

17. Won't say how bad this time is.

18. Noone wants to hear it.

19. No one can fix it.

20. Trudge through it. Meds are kicking in.

21. two more months, just two more months.

Unnecesary

I am unnecessary. I am not the backbone of anyone's life. When I leave someone else will fill my spot. There are 7 billion people on the planet and if I disappeared off the face of the earth about 500 individuals would be affected. In the grand scheme of things, I'm such a small piece.

You'd think this would make me sad. You'd be wrong.

It sets me free.

The people who love me, love me because they want to.
The people who don't, can kiss it.

Hidradenitis Suppurativa- The Battle Continues

I joined a Hidradenitis Suppurativa Support Group on Facebook cause I believe that learning about the enemy means you can fight it better. The people are all very nice. The worrisome thing is how many have other autoimmune disorders to go along with it. Lupus, Crohn's, Hashimoto's Thryroiditis.

Lovely. Because worrying about boils and cysts and infections and inflammations and unsightly scarring just wasn't enough.

I live with infection. Even when I was on crazy doses of antibiotics, I lived with infection. I know what topicals to use, what soap to use, how to pad it so it doesn't have me in pain all day.

It doesn't go away.

Incurable diseases don't go away. They can only be managed.

At least I haven't had to have surgery yet. Most do. Most have to have multiple surgeries.

Because it never goes away. And when I have a flareup, my immune system is fighting the skin infections so I catch every other bug that's around. So I'm continually running fevers.

This is my life. It could be a lot worse than it is. I'm managing just fine at the moment. I've been swimming in chlorine a lot so that dries out the skin and seems to be helping. I only have one lesion at the moment but it's been "healing" for about a month now. It's almost done closing.

And that's it for now. Keeping on, keeping on.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

Maybe it's because I'm running on 4 hours of sleep.
Maybe it's because I've been sick.

Maybe monkeys may fly out of my ass.

I am a patient person or rather was.

I'm not putting up with idiots and morons and selfish dicks.
Not for a while, not for a month, not for another minute.
It's time for me to stand up and be heard.

I will not be talked down to.
I will not be lied to.
I will not deal with bullshit.

I am worth more than that.
All we have in this life is time and what we make of it.

I choose not to waste my time on people who piss me off.
I choose to go after what I want.

Not what society thinks I should want, not what my family thinks I should want.

I'm sick and tired of putting my life on hold and my dreams on a shelf because others won't like it.

Screw 'em.

I want travel, I want to explore. I want to paint, and write and meet new people.

I want to be creative in my everyday life because that's what gives me joy.

So taking steps and making plans.
Step One- Save every dime I can.
Step Two- Sell off some things as in whittle it down to what will fit in a car.
Step Three- Paint and try to sell it. Write and try to sell it.
Step Four- Try for some voiceover work.
Step Five- Realize that people are going to tell me that I won't make it.
Step Six- Prove them wrong. 

Falling into Hope

I had a wonderful dream last night. Full of secret glances, stolen kisses, holding hands under the table.

Love. New love. Beautiful and blooming. Real love. Compassionate and mutual understanding and care.

That first glance to first real gaze into those eyes.... Those eyes that crinkle in the corners while the smile just keeps spreading. That instant connection. That shot of fire running through the veins. That unassailable knowing that this is.

This is right.
This is real.
This is why we exist.
You will be in my heart forever.

This is why I've kept fighting. This is why I'm here and now.  Just to hope we find love like this.

No. It wasn't anyone I know in my dream. I'll know when I see those eyes. If I ever see those eyes.

But in the meantime, I'll keep my heart open and every now and then look for those eyes, that smile, that love.