Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Lost in my own head

I realized I haven't written in a little while. Why?

I've been busy playing Candy Crush Saga.
I've been reading some decent books.
I've been watching both good and godawful tv.

This is not good. I've been all input and no output. Most times for me that means there's something I'm trying really hard not to think about. Escaping into fantasy to avoid the reality.

So next question is.... What's wrong?

I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling fat and ugly and stupid. I'm feeling like life isn't that bad for me so I shouldn't complain. I'm feeling like if I give in to the depression, I won't come back up. I'm feeling like I'm forcing too many laughs and faking too many smiles. I'm feeling like no one can understand because the "Why?" of it all is too nebulous to define.

Bad day, temper shortens. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Can't sleep well, cranky and tired therefore bad day again. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.


I have excellent friends. I can talk to them. Tell them what's twisted up in my head but not if I can't explain it to myself. Besides, everyone has their own problems. People are dealing with illness, death, unemployment, relationship issues, blah, blah, blah.

So I keep my mouth shut. My problems are small. Lonely and disconnected isn't really a big problem.
 For a while.

The weight is increasing. I still can't figure out what is wrong but it's starting to wear me down.

It's not like I haven't been through this before. Every time I slide down this slope, I just get terrified of not being able to climb back up. I've been at the bottom of the pit before. So far down you can't see the sun anymore.

I'm not in the pit yet but the slope is getting steeper and my fingers are getting weaker.

I know what I need to do and I'm doing some of it.
I'm interacting with others, even when I don't want to.
I'm going out in public, even though I don't want to.
I need to do the things that always make me smile.
I need to be outside.
I need to be by the water.
I need to be able to let myself cry this out.
I need to put myself first for a bit.

The horrible thing is that I really really don't want to post this. Because then comes the smothering. And the constant "How are you feeling?" And the fear of leaving me alone. I don't want people to worry about me. I will be ok. I'm just not ok now. But if I don't talk about it and share what's happening then I'll just keep feeling disconnected.

And the very fact that I'm not wanting to bother anyone about how I'm feeling shows exactly how low my self esteem is right now. Back in my suicidal days, that was my modus operandi. I'm not worth bothering about. I knew people loved me. It didn't matter. I wasn't worthy of any of it. Everything I touched turned to shit. All I could focus on was every little thing I did wrong.

The other problem is people believing me when I tell them I'm depressed. You? You're happy girl! Come on. They assume it's a quick get over it or I just want attention or they take me seriously and over react.

I'm not about to off myself. I never will. I'm just struggling a little bit. I need to find my happy again.