Friday, January 3, 2014

Arm's Length

It's rough sailing inside my head still. I'm trying not to take everything personally but my brain is not letting me do anything else.

Every minor criticism, every eyeroll, my brain is translating into "You are nothing but a waste of space." I know it's crazy. I know I'm watching the world through gray colored lenses. I'm not stupid. I know when I'm not rational.

The problem with knowing you're being irrational is that it doesn't seem to help. You can tell me or I can tell me all day that I'm not being rational and in the meantime my heart is still bleeding on the floor. There's only thing I can do that's of any use is STAY OUT OF THE WAY.

It's rational. If I'm not putting myself in situations where I feel like I'm being attacked, I feel better. Or at least not constantly on the defensive. I can relax.

I can dip my toe in to social situations and leave when I start getting overwhelmed. It's my only defense mechanism right now.

So if you feel I'm keeping everyone at arm's length, it's because I am. When springtime comes, I will start feeling better. Until then, I'm in survival mode. Head down, keep trudging, the sun will come out.

I'm sure there are some of you who think I just write my blog for attention. What I'm actually doing is trying to explain me. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want pity. I just want someone to understand.

Depression will affect 1/4 of the population at some point in their lives. That's staggering numbers. How can you hope to help without knowing what's happening in their head? In the meantime, nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to be "Crazy girl". I certainly don't.

But I will. Someone has to do it. There is such shame and stigma surrounding mental illnesses of which depression is far and away the most common. Someone should stand up and explain themselves. Take away the ignorance and you take away the fear.