Hidradenitis 2: The Ugly continues

Please read Hidradenitis first as this is just an update.

So what had happened was....

The medication they first tried me on got me sick.

My side effects: I dealt with the dry skin. I dealt with the dandruff. I dealt with the red and orange pee and poop. I dealt with the constant thirst. I dealt with everything tasting like metal. I said to myself that it would be worth it. Then my back started acting up and I was stiff in all my joints. The stiffness got worse and I was constantly cracking my knuckles and trying to stretch away the... pain. I woke up in  the morning and almost fell over getting out of bed. My hands hurt enough that it was difficult to brush my teeth. I popped six motrin and went to work. Called the doc. She told me to stop taking them. That if the side effects were this severe two weeks in, I would only deal with more severe side effects for being on it another 8 weeks. I'm angry and upset since the meds were working on my skin. For the first time in years, I don't have an open sore. I was so hopeful. Now it's back to the doc on the 15th for a new and different med.

 

 Within 3 days of being off the meds, my joints felt absolutely fine again.

 

Now I'm on doxycline and switching the topicals to every other day instead of daily. Only one inflamed area became an issue and I had a shot of cortisone today to take it down a notch. Two months until my next appointment.

 

Keeping on, keeping on.

Just me. And that's plenty good enough.

I tend to share a lot of myself with the world. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, I put them on display through social media and conversation. I don't hide things.

The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend and she told me I was the least private person she knew. She on the other hand is very private. I told her why I'm not. And now you get to know too.

What is the point of privacy? Hiding your true self and how you feel. Why would you do that? Fear.
Fear of judgement, persecution, resentment.

I will not live in fear. I want people to like me for who I am. Not for the image I project. If they don't then oh well.

We live by so many arbitrary rules everyday, many of which are antiquated and useless.

Let me give you a quick and easy example.

Clothing.
It is acceptable on a hot summer day on the beach or a park or a basketball court for only one gender to take their shirt off.
Why?
It's immodest for a woman to show her body?
It's to keep the woman safe as all men are sexual predators waiting to attack once they see bare flesh? Boobs burn easy?

So if a girl and a guy are both walking around without a shirt on, why the hell is only the girl going to be arrested for indecent exposure?

Now I'm not saying, "Hey ladies! Let's all walk around topless!" I'm just pointing out basic pointless traditions which became rules and laws.

We follow the trends. We "Just Say No!" to acid washed jeans. We will wear painted faces everyday to work because THAT is what makes us professional. We wear shoes that hurt our feet in ten minutes of wear because that is "Appropriate" office apparel for women. (It's ok. The big strong men will take care of us.)

We are lied to about our worth as women and as human beings on a daily basis by TRADITION.

Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.
1. You aren't married? Don't worry you'll find someone.
2. No kids yet? Tick tock.
3. Don't hurt yourself picking up that 15 lb box. I'll take care of that for you, little lady.
4. What's the problem? Is it that time of the month?
5. You can change a tire? By yourself?
6. What are you reading? One of those romance novels you girls like?
7. You know you should wear shorter skirts if you want to get a guy.
8. I'll bet you're a great cook.
9. Can you sew on a button for me?
10. All you women are crazy.

According to society, at my age I should be married with kids and spend my day with cooking, cleaning and needlework.
According to society since I'm not, I am not worth as much as those who are.
According to society, I must be either: A. Unable to keep a man because I'm deficient in looks. B. One of those damn feminists. or C. A psycho hosebeast.

You can be a Nobel Prize Winner but if you happen to be female your life just isn't complete until you're married and breeding.

Screw that noise.

I work 40 hours a week. I pay my own bills. I can change my own tire. I can put together a shelving unit. I cook my own meals. I have no kids. I don't want any kids. I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.


I'm not married and don't know if ever I will be. But I can tell you one thing for certain. Unless I meet and fall in love with a guy who sees, accepts, acknowledges, and appreciates my strength of body, character, mind and heart.............. I won't be.

I am complete by myself. I don't need someone else to complete me. I am not less because I am not part of a couple. I am not less because I don't want children. I am not less because I'm not beautiful.

I reject those lies. I AM ENOUGH.

Screw you society. You're a jerk. I don't have to listen to you.






 

Unsent Letter

I hate finding out important stuff from other people. It makes me feel like you don't think about me. It makes me feel like you don't trust me.

I don't want to have to be the one to pick up the phone and call you. I certainly don't want to be handed off to someone else to talk to. That just makes me feel like you don't care about what I have to say.

I am not an inconvenience. I am part of your life. I'm someone who will always love you.

But right now, your actions are making me feel like I'm not important to you.

That hurts. And pisses me off.

You will always be a part of my life. This isn't new. You acting this way. So I have to either accept it or throw a fit about it.

You went into the hospital. I heard about it a week later from your someone else. You wrecked your car. I heard about it 12 days later from again someone who isn't you.

This is unacceptable.

I know I live in another state and out of sight is often out of mind but come on.

And then my dad walked in (ADULTS ONLY)

My boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. Mom was at work. Brother off at college. Dad at a computer fair. So one thing led to another and we were "Having fun" in the living room.

On this particular occasion, having fun included a "massaging device". You get the picture.  If you don't then you are too young to be reading this anyway.

So there I was on the couch in a skirt and nothing else and there he was mostly clothed and busy.

Rattle went the doorknob.
"No!" came out of our mouths in unision.

I ran to the bathroom. He zipped and straightened up and tossed the "massaging device" under the couch.

I tried to think. I didn't know what was seen. I splashed water on my hair and threw a towel around myself and tried to play it off. I walked back out to the living room and grabbed my clothes off the couch.

"Hey, Dad! You got back early. Hey, sweetie. I'm just gonna change and then I'll be ready. Sorry about the wait." said I blushing furiously.

My guy was sitting on the couch, his face bright red. My dad in the armchair, face hidden behind a newspaper.

I changed into fresh clothes and went back out to the living room. I sat beside my guy on the couch.
He looked at me and mouthed silently "It's under the couch."

Well, no quick escape then. We had to retrieve the "massaging device" before my parents found it.

He moved to sit on the floor as did I to block some of the view. My dad was just sitting reading the paper and smiling.

"So Dad, no new computer this time?" I said, trying to divert his attention while my guy was trying to grab the wayward device.

"Nope. Not this time." he said and continued reading.

All of a sudden, I hear buzzing. Loud buzzing. He almost had it and it turned on while it was against the wood frame of the couch. He got it and shut it off and shoved it in his jacket pocket. He just looks terrified.

At this point we are both three shades of tomato red and are praying he doesn't ask what that sound was.

Time to make an escape.

"Ok, Dad. We're supposed to meet up with some friends at the pool hall. I won't be home for dinner but I'll be back by curfew. Ok?" I spat out quickly while standing up and grabbing my jacket.

My father put down the paper and looked at us. Just looked at us.

"Ok?"I asked.

"Well, that must have been very embarrassing for both of you." said my dad. And then he started laughing.
"Be home by curfew."

My dad is awesome.