Saturday, June 9, 2012

I am the Queen!

I think I need new business cards. I declared myself Queen Kristen of the Kingdom of Kristen today. I have 15 loyal subjects at the moment. All valiant and true as any monarch could wish for.

Please like Kingdom of Kristen on Facebook.

It started off silly and just got sillier. Titles have been bestowed upon my favored subjects. There are now pictures of me as Queen. And a possibility of joining a League of Imaginary Nations.

I'm having the time of my life with this! Even the roommate's dog has a title.

Next up, our national anthem. Oh yeah! My subjects like to dance.

I hope to be a kind and beneficent ruler. Our Mission statement is to enjoy each other and have fun. I think most can get behind that platform.

If you feel you can't pledge your allegiance to me, you can simply be a friend of the kingdom.

Thanks for playing pretend with me.

Her Royal Majesty,
Queen Kristen

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Fear of Scurvy

I do not eat as I should. I don't have my proper amounts of fruit and veggies on a daily basis. Instead what I do is eat junk junk and more junk all week long. Then comes the point where my body says FEED ME FRUIT! I crave apples or figs or plums or even berries.

What invariably comes out of my mouth is "I can't do Five Guys for dinner. I need green food or I'm going to get the scurvy."

So I get my butt to the grocery store and the fruit looks gross. Overwaxed apples starting to brown. Shrunken heads of lettuce. Strawberries going extra juicy on the bottom.  I'm not eating that. Dried figs and dates and tinned pears it is. And juice. Must have juice.

But something strange and wonderful happened this week. I went to a different grocery store and the fruit and veg is gorgeous! I loaded up with fresh strawberries, blackberries, apples, grape tomatoes, lettuce, and ......  wait for it ....... RHUBARB!

If anyone wants to share a rhubarb recipe with me please do! In the meantime I'm going to chop it up with strawberries, warm it up and pour a little heavy cream on top.

So I'm going to go to two different grocery stores every week now. My usual chain still being cheaper on my regular buys and the one closer to home with the amazing produce section

Or I may just go right next door to my job and check out the organic market.

Baby steps to good nutrition, baby steps.

But hey, I won't get scurvy anytime soon.


Hey you,
I dreamt of you last night. We were young and laughing and terribly in love. Nothing special was happening. We were just talking and joking and being close to each other. It was a warm summer day. The sun was shining on us. The sky was blue and dotted with little white clouds. It was pure love and joy. All we needed was each other.

I don't know why you're on my mind and haunting my dreams. I wish I could talk to you about it. My once best friend. But I made my choice and you respected it.  So I can't call you and ease my mind. I can't run into you randomly and get the hugs that make me feel it'll all be ok. I can't see how you are and what's happening in your life.

I made the choice to try and forget you. To try and move on.

It's not working. I don't think of you everyday anymore but memories of our time together still come up on a fairly regular basis.

You were never perfect. You were sometimes dismissive and sometimes just a jerk.

But you knew me. You saw me at my worst and loved me regardless. Whenever I needed an ear and a shoulder, you were there. I told you things and shared all my secrets with you. All my doubts and fears and hopes and dreams.

I miss you terribly. A mutual friend posted your picture on Facebook a few months back. I happened upon it and sat frozen staring at the screen. Eyebrows raised and a wry smile and a twinkle in your eye. Your absence in my life hit me like a bulldozer.

But if I were to invite you back into my life, would it do more harm than good? Probably. Do I really want to go back to heartbreak?

I've been told I glamorize you in my mind. You're just a guy. But I know you. I know the drama you grew up with. I knew the anger you struggled with. I know the dreams that changed as you grew up and got older. I know your regrets.

I also know you never loved me as much as I loved you. I know it was foolish of me to expect things to change. I know it was foolish of me to hope your heart would once again be mine.

I know it's ridiculous to still want and need and love you.  They say time heals. Maybe my heart is too broken to ever heal properly. At least I'm not constantly reopening the wound anymore.

So I won't call or write or ask friends how you are. I'm surviving and changing slowly.

But I miss you and I hope that writing it down will get it out of my head even though you may never leave my heart.


Monday, June 4, 2012

Dark thoughts/ Hearing God

I met a boy the other day who at his young age has decided dead might be a better option than the world he's living in.  I wanted to hug him and shake him at the same time. Since I've been in that state of mind before and know how the hopelessness just buries you alive I empathize with him. Because I've come through it and emerged stronger, I want to shake him. Snap him out of that mindset.

But I can't. I couldn't snap myself out of it. There is no snapping out of depression. There are days when the sun warms instead of burns and some days that's the best you can hope for.  I will never forget the days when all I could do was look around me to see what could kill me. If I jumped from this balcony, would it kill me? If I just let go of the wheel and stomped on the gas, would I end up dead or just in the hospital? I stood a little too close to edges. I felt the blade until the blood started showing.

I showed the world a happy face so they would leave me alone. I thought that if I couldn't be happy there was no point to life. That combined with low self esteem was a lousy combination. My plan was to kill myself in the bathtub slitting my wrists. I didn't want to leave a mess behind because I thought I wasn't worth the effort of cleaning it up.

I never went through with it. Partly because I'm not a fan of pain, partly because I had a shred of hope left, and partly because I was afraid of messing that up too. I came very very close one day. I had called my friends to say goodbye. They didn't know that of course. They thought I was calling for a quick chat. I went for a walk around the neighborhood saying my silent goodbyes to my home and the world. I took a knife from the kitchen drawer and slowly started to run it over my hand.

Now comes the part where you'll think I'm insane. No worries. I'm used to it.

I heard a voice. It seemed to come from everywhere around me. It was loud and sounded slightly perturbed. But there was also a feeling of immense love.

"Who are you to destroy what I have created?" said the voice.

I threw the knife so hard across the room that it stuck in the wall. I shook with tears and relief and shock and awe.

If God wants me alive, I'm sticking around. Obviously there are plans for me.

No. I've never heard that voice again. I don't need to. In the darkest moment of my life, God was there for me.  And God always will be.

I've had bouts of depression since but I've never considered suicide as an option since that day.

This isn't a story I share easily. Too many people will judge me as insane for it. I wasn't hallucinating. I'm not making this up for attention. It happened. Choose to believe or disbelieve as you will. But don't try to make me say it wasn't real.

Please be kind in your comments, if you have any.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

State of Mind

I remember when I used to be in love with the spontaneous. I'd go new places all the time without a thought. I'd make conversations with strangers and make new friends. I was adventurous.

Somewhere along the way, I lost that. I became a fan of my safe little haven where I knew everyone and I felt comfortable. Meeting new people began harder. I wasn't as willing to start a conversation with a random stranger. I became so self concious about every little move I made.

I always assumed I was being judged and was really judgmental about others. Not materialistically. I've never cared much about money but any little flaw or imperfection had me running in the other direction. I forgot the most basic truth about humans. We are all flawed.

It was really hard for me to make new friends in Fl. I was so used to my core group of friends up in CT that I didn't want to make the effort of getting to know new people. My "real" friends knew me inside out so what was the point? I started going out to karoake, which I've always loved, and started making new friends slowly. At first I'd just be that girl in the corner, sitting by herself. I still hate to feel like I'm pushing myself onto someone new. The shyness that I thought I'd overcome long ago reared it's ugly head. It told me: You aren't pretty enough or interesting enough to bother with.

Karoake people run in crowds. Before I knew it, I was being asked to join other tables and chat. Still I felt a separation. I only saw these people at karoake. My karoake buddies were great people but they had already formed their fast friendships long before I moved down here. I'd have a blast when I was out with them but never made it a real friendship.

Fortunately, since then I've met some people who've taken their time to get to know me and ask me to go new places and try new things. You know who you are :) My circle keeps slowly expanding.

I still seperate my real friends from my karoake buds in my head but now the line is starting to blur a little. I was used to being in the leader role in CT. When my friends were I-don't-know-what-do-you-want-to-do-ing I was the one making the decisions most of the time. But those were people who knew me through and through. I'm the odd man out from the crowd that has known each other forever and now am stuck in follower land.  It's a major switch for me. And one I'm not altogether certain is the best.

I've lost a bit of myself. I don't know if I can get that back.

Where this is coming from. I met a few new people today. All nice and friendly. I had a nice time but I'm just so much more comfortable now taking it as a one on one getting to know new people. I felt out of place. And I know it's nobody's fault but my own.

So how do I fix this? Should I fix this? Is it even fixable? Will I always have this bit of reserve from now on? Am I protecting myself this way? Or am I just missing out?