Sunday, April 15, 2012

Follow your Dream!

I had this (drunk but still managing to be charming and cute) guy at karoake tell me I was an amazing singer and that I should be on tv and selling records. I said thanks. He then proceeded to elaborate that I should be chasing my dream and not to let fear and self doubt slow me down. I tried to explain to him that singing isn't my dream. That I'm happy with what I do and what I have now.

He didn't believe me. He rambled on that the only reason I wasn't singing professionally was because I was too scared to try.

I tried to explain to him that I know exactly how good of a voice I have but it's not that fantastic. I can put over a song I know and love fairly well but my range isn't the best and my stage presence isn't that good. I've smoked for too long for my voice ever to be a real quality instrument.

He tried to get me to promise to get a vocal coach and start auditioning.

I started getting annoyed.

I enjoy singing. I have fun with it. I'm pretty good and I do like the applause. It's not my dream. Never has been.

It took me years to get really comfortable on stage. And auditions are awful. I tense and my voice goes higher than it should and I get extremely aware of every move I make.

I sing at home at, work while running the machines, and I karoake.

Singing to me is fun but it's too damn hard to make a real go of it if you have the ambition it takes to get noticed. rying to sing for a living means constant auditions for plays and bands and hours each day with vocal exercises. It's hard and demanding and not very rewarding unless you get lucky.

That is not the life that I want. I don't want to turn my fun into work. If I don't enjoy what I sing, I don't sing it well. I try to pick songs that I'm feeling and sing out my emotions. Take the strife and heartache and good times wrap it in a tune and get it outta myself.

Why do people assume they know what you really want? I know what I want. I'm living the life I want. If I wasn't I'd be trying for something else.

My dream is to work at a job I find fulfilling. To be able to pay my bills and set a little to the side. To be able to spend time with friends and family. I wouldn't mind someone to share it all with. But I am content with my own company.

When I get older and closing in on retirement, I want to run my own little B&B.

They are small dreams but that's all I need to be happy.

I love big dreamers. I admire their passion and devotion. But that just isn't me. Ambition for material things never has been a goal for me.

Go forth and dream your dream and live it as best you can. Don't tell me my dream isn't good enough for me. It's mine and I am fiercely protective of it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Tapped out

This morning I had a little meltdown. I was so fed up and irritated I started bawling. Thank goodness, I didn't have work today. Why? Let me explain.

I have friends with problems right now. Serious issues like where is the next paycheck coming from? How can I keep my ex out of my life? How do I get through the day without punching the boss? That kind of thing. Add in illness and car issues and family drama and relationship issues sprinkled liberally throughout.

It's at the point where I feel guilty for my stuff not being so bad right now. Yes of course I still have personal drama but nothing on that level. In the meantime, lives are falling apart around me.

And more and more just keeps getting dumped on me. I listen and I offer advice and the there there it'll get better, but really that's all I can do.I'm talking to everybody about their problems all the time. And I'm tapped out.

Partly because I have my own stuff to worry about, partly because some of the people are just making the same mistakes time and again, and partly because I'm rarely even getting a "How's things going with you?"

I understand people get focused on the drama they're dealing with but ask me how I am. How's the family, Kristen? How ya doing since the breakup? How you holding up from your grandparents dying? How's the car running? How's work?

Don't make me feel selfish for wanting common courtesy.

I'm being taken for granted and I'm pissed off about it. Friendship is give and take. It hurts when I'm trying to help with other's problems and getting no concern about mine.

Well, that tells me who really cares about me. And so I get homesick so bad it hurts. I miss the people who have always, always, always been there for me just as much as I'm there for them. Y'all know who you are.

I don't have family in Florida. My friends are my family here. And right now, a lot of you have your heads so deep in your own stuff, you don't notice that I may need an ear and a shoulder.

I'm a good friend. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but right now I'm tapped out of sympathy. You made your mess, deal with it.