Spiral

Every person who has suffered with depression more than once learns their own patterns. The things they do to deny the tears, the things they do to lift their spirits.

My depression cycle.

1. I don't want to.

2. All I would do is mess it up anyway.

3. I need to be outside more.

4. Why am I crying at this Brittany Spears song?

5. Make excuse to stay home.

6. Read through the night to keep mind occupied from bad thought spirals.

7. Always tired. Why can't I just rest?

8. I can't concentrate. I keep screwing up stupid easy stuff.

9. I'm worthless.

10. Time for meds.

11. Keep up the pretend happy.

12. You can cry later. After work is over.

13. All I want is a hug.

14. I'm so screwed up, no wonder I'm alone.

15. Stop thinking that way, stop it, stop it, stop it.

16. Can't worry them.

17. Won't say how bad this time is.

18. Noone wants to hear it.

19. No one can fix it.

20. Trudge through it. Meds are kicking in.

21. two more months, just two more months.

Unnecesary

I am unnecessary. I am not the backbone of anyone's life. When I leave someone else will fill my spot. There are 7 billion people on the planet and if I disappeared off the face of the earth about 500 individuals would be affected. In the grand scheme of things, I'm such a small piece.

You'd think this would make me sad. You'd be wrong.

It sets me free.

The people who love me, love me because they want to.
The people who don't, can kiss it.

Hidradenitis Suppurativa- The Battle Continues

I joined a Hidradenitis Suppurativa Support Group on Facebook cause I believe that learning about the enemy means you can fight it better. The people are all very nice. The worrisome thing is how many have other autoimmune disorders to go along with it. Lupus, Crohn's, Hashimoto's Thryroiditis.

Lovely. Because worrying about boils and cysts and infections and inflammations and unsightly scarring just wasn't enough.

I live with infection. Even when I was on crazy doses of antibiotics, I lived with infection. I know what topicals to use, what soap to use, how to pad it so it doesn't have me in pain all day.

It doesn't go away.

Incurable diseases don't go away. They can only be managed.

At least I haven't had to have surgery yet. Most do. Most have to have multiple surgeries.

Because it never goes away. And when I have a flareup, my immune system is fighting the skin infections so I catch every other bug that's around. So I'm continually running fevers.

This is my life. It could be a lot worse than it is. I'm managing just fine at the moment. I've been swimming in chlorine a lot so that dries out the skin and seems to be helping. I only have one lesion at the moment but it's been "healing" for about a month now. It's almost done closing.

And that's it for now. Keeping on, keeping on.

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

Maybe it's because I'm running on 4 hours of sleep.
Maybe it's because I've been sick.

Maybe monkeys may fly out of my ass.

I am a patient person or rather was.

I'm not putting up with idiots and morons and selfish dicks.
Not for a while, not for a month, not for another minute.
It's time for me to stand up and be heard.

I will not be talked down to.
I will not be lied to.
I will not deal with bullshit.

I am worth more than that.
All we have in this life is time and what we make of it.

I choose not to waste my time on people who piss me off.
I choose to go after what I want.

Not what society thinks I should want, not what my family thinks I should want.

I'm sick and tired of putting my life on hold and my dreams on a shelf because others won't like it.

Screw 'em.

I want travel, I want to explore. I want to paint, and write and meet new people.

I want to be creative in my everyday life because that's what gives me joy.

So taking steps and making plans.
Step One- Save every dime I can.
Step Two- Sell off some things as in whittle it down to what will fit in a car.
Step Three- Paint and try to sell it. Write and try to sell it.
Step Four- Try for some voiceover work.
Step Five- Realize that people are going to tell me that I won't make it.
Step Six- Prove them wrong. 

Falling into Hope

I had a wonderful dream last night. Full of secret glances, stolen kisses, holding hands under the table.

Love. New love. Beautiful and blooming. Real love. Compassionate and mutual understanding and care.

That first glance to first real gaze into those eyes.... Those eyes that crinkle in the corners while the smile just keeps spreading. That instant connection. That shot of fire running through the veins. That unassailable knowing that this is.

This is right.
This is real.
This is why we exist.
You will be in my heart forever.

This is why I've kept fighting. This is why I'm here and now.  Just to hope we find love like this.

No. It wasn't anyone I know in my dream. I'll know when I see those eyes. If I ever see those eyes.

But in the meantime, I'll keep my heart open and every now and then look for those eyes, that smile, that love.

A Little Less Fat Girl

About a month ago, I was at 246 lbs. Yesterday I weighed in at 226 lbs. 20 lbs down in a month.

Where I'm doing well:
I'm charting every tiny thing I eat. I have a 10 calorie piece of gum, that's going on the calorie chart.
I'm walking a lot.
I'm outdoors more.
I'm making sure I'm not just sitting on the couch.

Where I'm not:
Alcohol. Drinks have high calories and I don't budget them into my diet the way I should.
Sleep. I need to get my tushie in bed and to sleep or the muscles won't heal properly and my workout the next day sucks.
Water, I'm being ok about but not great. I should be at 8-10 cups a day and I've been slacking on that the last few days.

Where YOU can help me achieve my goals:
You like to play ball?
Play on the Wii?
Volleyball?
Hiking?
Swimming?
Please invite me along. I'm craving variety.

Be patient with my nonstop talk about it. I'm trying not to gush but it is such a big change in my life and it's taking up so much of my attention, it's on my mind a lot. And you should all know what's on my mind comes straight out of my mouth.

Encourage me to ignore my ridiculous sweet tooth and eat green instead.

Thanks to everyone for all the encouragement and compliments. It makes it easier to accomplish your goals if you know people are rooting for you and have faith that you can. Love you!

Moving Forward

Things I've learned since starting my diet and exercise plan.
1. Setting a goal is good. Small goals are fine, even better because they let you build.
2. Accomplishing small goals every day make you feel accomplished.
3. Everybody asks you for the "secret" to your sucess.
4. Nobody seems to like the real answer. Hard work and planning.
5. The more you move the better you feel.
6. Exercising GIVES you energy, it doesn't take it away.
7. Going for a walk, even once around the block, every day makes you relax and enjoy life more.
8. Squirrels are crazy. Seriously, I had squirrels chasing me at the park.
9. If you smile at a stranger walking past you nine times out of ten they will smile back.
10. I can do this.
11. "This" means anything I want.
12. The only way to fail is not to try.
13. There is always a Plan B, Plan C, Plan Take Over The World
14. If you want life to change, you have to be the one changing.
15. "Fine as I am" is a bullshit cop out.
16. If you are not striving for something, anything, you will accomplish nothing.
17. If you don't take that chance, someone else will.
18. I refuse to be less than I can be.
19. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.

Fat Girl

Yeah. I said it. I'm a fat girl. I'm not thick or curvy or voluptous or big boned or chubby. I'm overweight, fat, obese. Technically, I am morbidly obese.

Morbidly obese is the fat that'll bring on the complications that will kill you. Diabetes, heart disease, fatty liver, and countless others.

I've been overweight most of my life. Even when I was in high school my hips had me in a size 12. I'd have been happy to stay there but food is so tasty and I have a lack of willpower when I want something.

Funnily enough, I don't think of myself as fat girl often. I have decent self esteem. (Now at least.) and people like me as I am. I enjoy activities. I like going for a hike or swimming or playing kickball. It's fun!

I've always been pretty ok with how I look. I'm never going to win any beauty contests but I'd never enter a beauty contest in the first place.

I wanted to put this all out there first because I really want it understood that I mean it. I am good with who I am and how I look.

I am about to go on a diet/excercise plan. Doing things the right way. Why? Because of my health.

Both parents are diabetic now. I do NOT like needles. The idea of having to give myself insulin injections makes me cringe. If I don't get my eating habits and activity levels under control and get myself healthy now, I never will.

I am 36 years old. Time is against me. My creaky joints are against me. The damage I've already done to my body is against me.

But do you know what's for me?

My pigheaded stubborn bitchy self. My friends who will back me up and tell me "Do you really want to eat that?" My future self who will be thanking me for giving her a chance to live with less daily pain, less health problems, less emotional issues. My doctor (who I will find soon) who will give me a plan to stick to.

I signed up at a website called SparkPeople.com It has a lot of simple goal checklists and meal plans and exercise plans to choose from and support groups.

I will do this.

Now the scary bit. I weighed myself today. I'm within 1 lb of the heaviest I've ever been. I believe I can drop the weight safely and get myself down to just above where I'm technically supposed to be in a year. One year = One hundred lbs lighter.

You read that right. 100 lbs in 1 year.

No drugs, no hcg, no 500 calorie a day diet. I'm aiming for 2-3 lbs a week. And that is achievable.

Day 1: February 18th 2014. 246 lbs. Goal 146. 100 lbs to go.

If you see me screwing up, smack the taco out of my hand.

Drug free ..... for now

As a disclaimer for the nosy, I'm not talking about illegal drugs. For everyone who cares to read on....

My health sucks. Old people say as long as you have your health, nothing else matters. They are right.

I have a skin condtion called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. (See previous blogs for details) I've suffered with it for years and years but only got diagnosed March 2013. I've been on antibiotics since. Everyday a pill and two different creams. Special body washes. Changing up the antibiotics when I had a severe reaction. Changing topicals when my insurance decided it wasn't going to cover it anymore. Yeast infections and digestive problems that come with long term antibiotics.

Antibiotics for 11 months straight. Then I said NO.

No more pills everyday when I still end up with flare ups now and then. No more doctor's appointments that cost me $60 bucks each and meds that set me back $40. No more sun sensitivity side effects. No more.

I am NOT, I repeat, NOT saying this is a good idea. I'm saying I'm going to  be stubborn and obstinate and pigheaded and get my immune system to take care of it's damn self again.

I'd also recently suffered from my winter depression. (Seasonal Affective Disorder. See previous blogs) I've been on antidepressants for 3 months. My mood is super fantastic lately and the sun is back so I'm also going off those as well. As of today.

This morning was the first time I hadn't taken any medicine in a year.

A YEAR! An entire year of my life.

I'm fed up with meds. They work. I don't deny that at all. I just want to live my life without side effects again.  I want to see if my body can get used to just being chemical free again.

Arm's Length

It's rough sailing inside my head still. I'm trying not to take everything personally but my brain is not letting me do anything else.

Every minor criticism, every eyeroll, my brain is translating into "You are nothing but a waste of space." I know it's crazy. I know I'm watching the world through gray colored lenses. I'm not stupid. I know when I'm not rational.

The problem with knowing you're being irrational is that it doesn't seem to help. You can tell me or I can tell me all day that I'm not being rational and in the meantime my heart is still bleeding on the floor. There's only thing I can do that's of any use is STAY OUT OF THE WAY.

It's rational. If I'm not putting myself in situations where I feel like I'm being attacked, I feel better. Or at least not constantly on the defensive. I can relax.

I can dip my toe in to social situations and leave when I start getting overwhelmed. It's my only defense mechanism right now.

So if you feel I'm keeping everyone at arm's length, it's because I am. When springtime comes, I will start feeling better. Until then, I'm in survival mode. Head down, keep trudging, the sun will come out.

I'm sure there are some of you who think I just write my blog for attention. What I'm actually doing is trying to explain me. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want pity. I just want someone to understand.

Depression will affect 1/4 of the population at some point in their lives. That's staggering numbers. How can you hope to help without knowing what's happening in their head? In the meantime, nobody talks about it. Nobody wants to be "Crazy girl". I certainly don't.

But I will. Someone has to do it. There is such shame and stigma surrounding mental illnesses of which depression is far and away the most common. Someone should stand up and explain themselves. Take away the ignorance and you take away the fear.