Saturday, December 21, 2013

Thoughts on Depression

I've been on the antidepressants for a while now and they are quite definitely helping.

Before Antidepressants Average Day:
Wake up. Cry. Work. Excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. Home. Cry. Watch tv, or read a book, or anything that may get me out of my head. Try to sleep, can't sleep. Start cycle all over again.

Wake up, Work, Home, Go out, hang with friends, laugh, bed.

Except the last couple of days. The last few have been bad. Really bad. Scary bad. Yesterday, I woke up late, rushed around, forgot I had to get gas on the way to work, was 20 minutes late, felt so awful about being late I started berating myself in my head.

My depression: Stupid bitch. You can't do anything right. Everything you do is never going to be good enough. If you hadn't switched out your alarm clock, this wouldn't have happened. You're an idiot. It's the fucking busy time, you have to get shit done. Now you threw off the whole day.

Then there was a miscommunication about the hours that would be worked on Saturday, where I thought I was getting shorted for the week. I got angry and paranoid and pissed. When the dust cleared and all was well, the boss gave me shit for not taking the time to think things through and acting like a fool. Bam.

Depression: See! You can't think right. You aren't patient enough. You assume the worst. And your boss hates you and if you keep pissing him off there goes your job and then what will you do? Fucking no good, piece of shit. Keep your head down and do your fucking job.

That was when I realized the bad thought spiral had begun and was already snowballing. I texted my friend to let her know I wouldn't be able to make it out to her party and offered a raincheck for a later time. Got back the reply: Noted. Well, fuck me sideways. Everything I touch is just turning to shit.

I can't deal with being around people. I'm already taking any little thing way too much to heart. Now I've let a friend down on top of everything else.

Depression: You're a horrible friend. You can't even suck it up and make it out for one night? The fuck is wrong with you, stupid whiny bitch. And look at you, you weak stupid bitch, crying again. Cry baby.

Text from roomie: Can you let out and feed the dog? I'll be home late.
Reply: Sure. Where are you going?
Roomie: Mutual friend's house.
Reply: have fun.

Depression: You see! Proof again that you suck and no one wants to be around you. Your friend didn't want to spend time with you.

Further texts with roomie where I let her know I was having a really bad day and she was supportive and kind. Then texts from mutual friend inviting me over and supportive kindness.

Started to settle down a little. Home then a little tv then bath then sleep.

Texted the boy to let him know I wasn't going anywhere. Made vague plans for today. Jumped on facebook and was messaged by a friend. At this point my brain just said NO. Let her know I just couldn't and then got a comment from the birthday girl that let me know, yup, she's pissed. Cried myself into a headache. Then messaged her trying to explain a little that if I had it in me, I'd be there.
She doesn't know me that well and has no clue that this is seriously unusual behavior from me.

Took a bath for about three minutes before dropping my kindle in the water. Really?

Depression: Fool! You know better than that shit. Serves you right. Would've been better off if it had electrocuted you. At least then you wouldn't be fucking up everything and other people's lives.

Got the back cover off the kindle, laid it out to dry. Took a pill to help me sleep and alternately stared at the ceiling and cried for an hour before going to sleep.

Woke up late because of the sleeping tablet and rushed through to get to work this morning. This morning, I'm back on my even keel and doing just fine.

Hallelujah. If that nonsense had continued, I would've had to make an apt with the Psychiatrist and switch up meds or something.

I can tell when it's my depression talking. I can argue it down with common sense most of the time. Yesterday was plain awful. Today is pretty good and hopefully tonight will be awesome.