Sunday, June 3, 2012

State of Mind

I remember when I used to be in love with the spontaneous. I'd go new places all the time without a thought. I'd make conversations with strangers and make new friends. I was adventurous.

Somewhere along the way, I lost that. I became a fan of my safe little haven where I knew everyone and I felt comfortable. Meeting new people began harder. I wasn't as willing to start a conversation with a random stranger. I became so self concious about every little move I made.

I always assumed I was being judged and was really judgmental about others. Not materialistically. I've never cared much about money but any little flaw or imperfection had me running in the other direction. I forgot the most basic truth about humans. We are all flawed.

It was really hard for me to make new friends in Fl. I was so used to my core group of friends up in CT that I didn't want to make the effort of getting to know new people. My "real" friends knew me inside out so what was the point? I started going out to karoake, which I've always loved, and started making new friends slowly. At first I'd just be that girl in the corner, sitting by herself. I still hate to feel like I'm pushing myself onto someone new. The shyness that I thought I'd overcome long ago reared it's ugly head. It told me: You aren't pretty enough or interesting enough to bother with.

Karoake people run in crowds. Before I knew it, I was being asked to join other tables and chat. Still I felt a separation. I only saw these people at karoake. My karoake buddies were great people but they had already formed their fast friendships long before I moved down here. I'd have a blast when I was out with them but never made it a real friendship.

Fortunately, since then I've met some people who've taken their time to get to know me and ask me to go new places and try new things. You know who you are :) My circle keeps slowly expanding.

I still seperate my real friends from my karoake buds in my head but now the line is starting to blur a little. I was used to being in the leader role in CT. When my friends were I-don't-know-what-do-you-want-to-do-ing I was the one making the decisions most of the time. But those were people who knew me through and through. I'm the odd man out from the crowd that has known each other forever and now am stuck in follower land.  It's a major switch for me. And one I'm not altogether certain is the best.

I've lost a bit of myself. I don't know if I can get that back.

Where this is coming from. I met a few new people today. All nice and friendly. I had a nice time but I'm just so much more comfortable now taking it as a one on one getting to know new people. I felt out of place. And I know it's nobody's fault but my own.

So how do I fix this? Should I fix this? Is it even fixable? Will I always have this bit of reserve from now on? Am I protecting myself this way? Or am I just missing out?

1 comment:

  1. You are missing out on living to the fullest. Life is a continuous growth process.