Wednesday, June 6, 2012


Hey you,
I dreamt of you last night. We were young and laughing and terribly in love. Nothing special was happening. We were just talking and joking and being close to each other. It was a warm summer day. The sun was shining on us. The sky was blue and dotted with little white clouds. It was pure love and joy. All we needed was each other.

I don't know why you're on my mind and haunting my dreams. I wish I could talk to you about it. My once best friend. But I made my choice and you respected it.  So I can't call you and ease my mind. I can't run into you randomly and get the hugs that make me feel it'll all be ok. I can't see how you are and what's happening in your life.

I made the choice to try and forget you. To try and move on.

It's not working. I don't think of you everyday anymore but memories of our time together still come up on a fairly regular basis.

You were never perfect. You were sometimes dismissive and sometimes just a jerk.

But you knew me. You saw me at my worst and loved me regardless. Whenever I needed an ear and a shoulder, you were there. I told you things and shared all my secrets with you. All my doubts and fears and hopes and dreams.

I miss you terribly. A mutual friend posted your picture on Facebook a few months back. I happened upon it and sat frozen staring at the screen. Eyebrows raised and a wry smile and a twinkle in your eye. Your absence in my life hit me like a bulldozer.

But if I were to invite you back into my life, would it do more harm than good? Probably. Do I really want to go back to heartbreak?

I've been told I glamorize you in my mind. You're just a guy. But I know you. I know the drama you grew up with. I knew the anger you struggled with. I know the dreams that changed as you grew up and got older. I know your regrets.

I also know you never loved me as much as I loved you. I know it was foolish of me to expect things to change. I know it was foolish of me to hope your heart would once again be mine.

I know it's ridiculous to still want and need and love you.  They say time heals. Maybe my heart is too broken to ever heal properly. At least I'm not constantly reopening the wound anymore.

So I won't call or write or ask friends how you are. I'm surviving and changing slowly.

But I miss you and I hope that writing it down will get it out of my head even though you may never leave my heart.


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