Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The State of My Mind

I have an appointment with a shrink on the 14th. I keep having imaginary conversations with my shrink-to-be. Explaining that I'm not really crazy and just need some drugs to keep me that way.

I'm depressed. No suicidal ideation as yet. (For the layman that means I'm not making plans to off myself)

I have a personal history of depression starting as a teenager. Then as I grew it stabilized to just ruining my life in the winter.

Every winter, I'd go into hibernation. Didn't want to leave the house or see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything.

I decided I deserved having my winters back so I moved to Florida.
Year One, no depression at all.
Year 2-7 still good.
Year 8: 2 dead grandparents and trips to cold climate meant about six months of mourning/depression.
Year 9: Melancholy tendencies but no severe problems. Needed a few nudges to get out of the house.
Year 10 aka Now: I've cried every day for the last month and a half and it doesn't seem to be stopping. I'd made and canceled plans because I don't feel capable of dealing with people socially. I got off facebook because any sad post was guaranteed to make me cry. I can't deal well with other people's problems right now. I don't want to and I just can't handle it. I started staying up insanely late to read or watch tv or avoid reality in other ways. This leaves me tired and worn out and doing a shit job at work. I can't concentrate on tasks. I can't get my shit together.

I'm tired, lonely, and don't feel like anyone could understand. Then I started thinking that maybe I just wasn't worth bothering about. That is what made me pick up the phone and make an appointment.

I'd been down that road before. That way leads to  knives and death plans and making really, really bad decisions.

I'm doing what I should be. Get outside, see the sun.
Find activities that make me happy.
Eat my veggies.

I'm trying. Really trying the best that I can.

I started losing my temper and snapping at people.  Swearing at one and hanging up in their face. I haven't hung up on someone since I was a teenager.

I hate getting angry. I keep a lid on it tight 99% of the time. I look at the bigger picture and remember that anger doesn't achieve anything.

But when you aren't being listened to, sometimes you need to yell. And right now I feel like no one is listening.

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