Sunday, September 18, 2016

I don't invite people to my place

I don't invite people to my place.

This isn't me being antisocial. This is shame.

I started my antidepressants today. I was going to wait for a few weeks and start them when the crying every day happens. I mean yes I'm starting to have problems with getting myself into bed at a decent time. Yes,  this is the third weekend that at least one full day passed without showering and getting dressed.

It was the pizza box that did it. It's been sitting on my coffee table since Monday. Then I really opened my eyes and looked around my apartment. I haven't cleaned my kitchen. I keep saying that it is my goal for the day. It never gets done. My bathroom needs a serious scrubbing. I have overflowing trash cans in my bathroom and kitchen.

It's a miracle that I don't have roaches.

How did this happen? Energy. I don't have any.

I work and when I get home, I sit on my couch. I flip my attention from the tv to one of two games I'm playing on my kindle and checking Facebook on my phone. I made the mistake of plugging a power cord in that I can reach without getting up from my seat.

I stay up late because if I do, then I have an excuse to feel bad. A tangible thing I can point to and explain away my lack of energy and concentration.

People understand what lack of sleep feels like. They don't understand what depression feels like.

It's not an active illness. It makes you slow, stupid, lazy. Then throws guilt on you for being slow, stupid and lazy. It takes extraordinary effort to get through regular tasks. Anything that can be deemed unnecessary get tossed to the wayside.

It's insidious. The floor can get swept tomorrow. I can leave that junk mail there until morning. Procrastination rules my life right now.

The bad thing is that I didn't even realize how bad it was until it got this far. Now it's a daunting task. I will break it into pieces and complete it.

But first let me finish my movie..... I'll get right on it after that...

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