Saturday, November 3, 2012

What I'm Supposed to Do

Today I was supposed to go to a funeral.
I was supposed to be there for my friend who lost her husband.
I was supposed to be able to help.
I was supposed to be strong enough to do it.
I was supposed to suck it up and get it done.
I was supposed to forge on.
I was supposed to be ok.

Who's saying I was supposed to?
Me. That's the problem. I can't get away from that judgemental bitch.

My reasons for not doing what I was supposed to do:
I didn't know the man other than meeting him twice briefly.
I think funerals are for those who loved the deceased to gather together and bond in their grief.
I get sick to my stomach thinking of going to another funeral.
I'm bad with death. This would just add to the weight I already carry.
I just don't have it in me to force myself to go right now.

What my conscience is saying:
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
You should've sucked it up and gone.
You're a shitty friend.
People can't count on you anymore.
You need to get over the death thing and just do it.
You've just proven that when the chips are down, you won't be there.
You're just a selfish bitch who can't be there for other people.
You just lost a friend over this.(I can hear my mother's voice in this one.)
Go hide away from death and pain, little girl.

Words from the superego:
Knock it off with that kind of thinking.
You know you're your own worst enemy.
Relax. You are allowed to be flawed and human.

I'm supposed to be better than I am.


  1. We all think we're supposed to be better than we are. I'll tell you a secret...
    You're supposed to be WHO YOU ARE!!!
    That's why people love you!
    Okay, so not much of a secret, but still true!

    1. I know. I just am struggling a little bit at the moment and that always sends me into self loathing mode. I can be better than this. I just need to remember to cut myself some slack. I'm lucky to have great friends who remind me that I am good enough to love.