And then my dad walked in (ADULTS ONLY)

My boyfriend and I had the house to ourselves. Mom was at work. Brother off at college. Dad at a computer fair. So one thing led to another and we were "Having fun" in the living room.

On this particular occasion, having fun included a "massaging device". You get the picture.  If you don't then you are too young to be reading this anyway.

So there I was on the couch in a skirt and nothing else and there he was mostly clothed and busy.

Rattle went the doorknob.
"No!" came out of our mouths in unision.

I ran to the bathroom. He zipped and straightened up and tossed the "massaging device" under the couch.

I tried to think. I didn't know what was seen. I splashed water on my hair and threw a towel around myself and tried to play it off. I walked back out to the living room and grabbed my clothes off the couch.

"Hey, Dad! You got back early. Hey, sweetie. I'm just gonna change and then I'll be ready. Sorry about the wait." said I blushing furiously.

My guy was sitting on the couch, his face bright red. My dad in the armchair, face hidden behind a newspaper.

I changed into fresh clothes and went back out to the living room. I sat beside my guy on the couch.
He looked at me and mouthed silently "It's under the couch."

Well, no quick escape then. We had to retrieve the "massaging device" before my parents found it.

He moved to sit on the floor as did I to block some of the view. My dad was just sitting reading the paper and smiling.

"So Dad, no new computer this time?" I said, trying to divert his attention while my guy was trying to grab the wayward device.

"Nope. Not this time." he said and continued reading.

All of a sudden, I hear buzzing. Loud buzzing. He almost had it and it turned on while it was against the wood frame of the couch. He got it and shut it off and shoved it in his jacket pocket. He just looks terrified.

At this point we are both three shades of tomato red and are praying he doesn't ask what that sound was.

Time to make an escape.

"Ok, Dad. We're supposed to meet up with some friends at the pool hall. I won't be home for dinner but I'll be back by curfew. Ok?" I spat out quickly while standing up and grabbing my jacket.

My father put down the paper and looked at us. Just looked at us.

"Ok?"I asked.

"Well, that must have been very embarrassing for both of you." said my dad. And then he started laughing.
"Be home by curfew."

My dad is awesome.

The Freedom of not being Pretty

I am not pretty.

This isn't me being down on myself. I'm not saying I'm ugly or deformed or anything. I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm just not pretty.

It used to bug me. We are taught that we need to be pretty. Dye your hair, lose the weight, get the surgery. Screw that.

My worth does not lay in the way I look. It is in what I do and who I am.

I scratched my finger yesterday on a needle. When checking it to make sure it wasn't getting infected, I noticed something. I have a scar that runs paralel to it. I kept looking. I have a scar on every finger.

What does this say about me? I'm not scared to get my hands dirty. I'm a worker. I have calluses and hangnails. I also have silver nail polish on cause I'm contradictory like that.

I'm short and solid. Wide shoulders, wide hips, wide feet and a wide smile. I'm built sturdy. I won't blow over in a wind.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had two little girls talking about me.
Sarah " Miss Kristen, why do you have so many freckles?"
Cynthia "Sarah! They aren't freckles. They're beauty marks. And since she has so many, she must be the most beautiful girl in the world."
I laughed so hard.

I figure that this saved me some pain in life. And tons of maintenance. I don't straighten and blowdry my hair everyday. I wear makeup maybe once or twice a week. I shave my legs on a monthly basis. Even when I was thin, my hips had me in a size 12.

Gracefulness was never an option, delicate is not who I am. I'm not a Princess who needs protection. I'm capable and strong and independent.

I'm good with that. People want to get to know me for my personality. Now my personality is pretty damn good. Or at least I think so. I have a lot more friends than enemies. And my close friends are some of the best people I've ever met.

Besides the truth is this. If someone really loves you, they think you're gorgeous. They see the beauty of your kisses, not the freckles on your lips. They see the flash in your eyes and not the circles underneath. They fall for your soul not your body.



 

The Ugly Disease - Hidradenitis

I finally went to the doctor. I had an open lesion on my inner thigh and one on my rear end. None in the armpits for once. I've had so many there that my armpits and the skin just below are a mass of scars and pitted skin. Not to mention the blackheads that no amount of scrubbing gets rid of. My inner thighs are almost as bad. Friction from walking generally makes those boils burst quicker so I don't have to deal with it as long. I also have some light scarring under my breasts from some popping up there ocasscionally as well.

This disease, what it does to me, is not new. It's just newly diagnosed.

I didn't know what it was for years. It started slow. I had a blister or something under my arm. Oh well, my bra just rubbed me wrong. It healed. Then I'd get these boils that felt like there were little peas under my skin. Oh well, I need to lose weight so my skin won't rub together like that. Bring on the baby powder until I realized I couldn't use it at night without waking up with a sinus headache from breathing it in. No sleeveless shirts and must have a skirt on the swimsuit. Whatever you do you mustn't raise your arms in public.

It started getting worse. It got to the point that I pretty much had an open wound at all times.

I still didn't go to the doctor.

Then I had a conversation one night at the bar. Chatting with a friend, she told me about her skin condition that she was going to have to have surgery for. Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It all clicked. I asked lots more questions and did some online research. Then I went on Google and did an image search. Trust me. It is not pretty. But one of the moderate cases looked exactly like what I had going on. She gave me a bunch of helpful hints on using special cleanser and bodywash and of course told me to get to the doctor.

I still didn't go to the doctor for 2 more years.

Why?

Fear.

Fear of embarassment. It's ugly and raw and there is puss and blood. It's gross.

Fear of it being true. Hidradenitis is incurable. Treatable but incurable. If I went to the doctor and it was true then I would have a "pre-existing condition" What if I switched jobs? Would I be covered? What if I have to have surgery? I'm too young to have a disease I have to deal with for life.

Fear of the unknown.  So much of what I read about it was vague. They don't know what causes it. They don't have a solid treatment plan. Worse case scenario is they would have to remove sections of skin that are too infected and scarred to be saved.

Fear of worse down the road. Hidradenitis is often paired with some other fun diseases. Crohn's, Hashimoto's thyroidosis, and a few other immune disorders.

So what finally made me go to the dermatologist? 

My butt. I'd never had a boil there before. It was spreading.

No more excuses. No more delays. No more giving in to the fear.

March 21, 2013- I went to my appointment.

I have Hidradenitis. It's confirmed. No samples, no cultures were needed.
Since I haven't had any treatment ever for this, they started me on a 10 week course of antibiotics, two topical creams, and a high dosage of Zinc. They hoped that it would shock it into remission for awhile. Remission. That's a scary word. It means they hope to buy me some time away from the pain and infection. But that it'll probably come back. Just wait and see.

There is more of this tale to tell but it'll have to wait for another day.

If you want more info on what I'm dealing with, this link is a decent one to check.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hidradenitis-suppurativa/DS00818

I miss you, my friend.

I miss you. I miss the crazy conversations we've had. I miss us giggling like fools over something silly. I miss your smile. I miss the simple fun we had together. I miss the drives just because. I miss the comfort of your prescence. You still are my friend but life changes. We grow apart.

We make new friends, who are great people, but that little spark isn't there often. The little spark that tells us, this one is my true and good friend. That even though we may fight and fuss, we will always be there, always love each other come hell or high water. The one that we trust completely and know entirely.

We know each other's secrets. We've seen the worst and the best of each other. That's so rare and special.

Maybe it's just harder to trust when you get older. It's harder to push yourself forward and tell someone, "You're cool. Wanna be friends?"

I'm glad you are my friend. I'm glad you accept my own personal brand of crazy and feel free to share your own. I'm sorry I had to move away. I know you understand why it had to be done. I know you know how damaged and broken I would have been if I stayed. And you know exactly how hard it was for me to leave.

No matter where we are, I will always love you. It makes me crazy that all I can offer you is my words. Long distance is always hard on any kind of relationship.

I'm ok. I really truly am. I just wish that when I'm celebrating something or mourning something, that you could be there. You have a room in my heart that will never be filled by anyone else. Every now and then, I have to open it up and look at all the memories we have together.

I love you. I miss you. Now and always.

My Friend the Writer!!!

http://anablaze.blogspot.com/

Cover Design by Suzannah Safi! Isn’t it pretty?

Beth Chase is too busy planning perfect weddings to worry about the lack of action in her own love life. But if she was looking for a man, she wouldn’t be looking at Colin Pratt. Her boss swears that Best Man Colin is a quiet scholar and science fiction writer who couldn’t possibly cause a fuss at his own brother’s wedding. He’s clearly never met the man in question. Snarky, sexy and more than a little inebriated, Colin is the final obstacle between Beth and the last perfect wedding she needs to make partner. Of course, when she helps him into a taxi at the end of the night she has no idea that he’s only just begun to poke holes in her professional exterior. Colin might have the skills to seduce a romance professional, but can he convince her that he’s the best man to share her happy ever after?

Available from Entranced Publishing in Summer 2013!

To keep on top of news about The Best Man and other books from Ana Blaze and for the chance to WIN a $10 E-Gift Card for Amazon.com, make sure to Like Ana Blaze’s Facebook Page.

About Ana:

Ana lives just outside Washington DC with her very supportive husband and three rather demanding cats. She loves the ocean, Indian food, Ikea, and cooking. Ana admits to watching too much television and she swears that someday she’s going to learn how to play the guitar resting on the bookshelf in her office.

 

Blog: http://anablaze.blogspot.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AnaBlazeLove

Twitter:@ana_blaze

 

The Year in Review

It's been a challenging year. It started off in mourning and that definitely flavored the rest of it.

 I finally finally finally stopped messing around with the wrong guy. I'm ashamed that it took so long. I'm ashamed that I kept running back. I deserve better and I'm trying to be open to that idea.

Work was good then bad then ok then "Why am I putting up with this garbage!?" then back to slow and steady okayness.

Home is still peaceful. It's almost time for me to start looking for a new home though and that is something I'm not looking forward to. Times change and so do circumstances. I'll get over it.And on with it.

The car is amazingly still running with only minor repairs. I'm crossing my fingers that it stays good for a while longer. I have vague hopes that it'll make it to 100,000 miles.

I've made some new friends. That's always a good thing and getting easier for me to do.

I didn't touch my craft and paint stuff at all until October. Then I painted four in a night. My creativity has finally started to return. Mostly because I'm not scared of what will come out now. As I said the beginning of the year was bad and sad and mad.

I got to visit with family for christmas and that was good and right. I hadn't seen them in years and I did really miss them all. I saw my grandfather, my only grandparent left, and he is starting to fade. I probably won't get another chance to see him and that has been weighing on my head and my heart.

Now the new year has begun. I'm sure it'll be filled with hope and loss and joy and sadness and laughter and tears. I hope the good outweighs the bad. I hope that I can help make it good. With any luck, it'll end up being the best year of my life.

Again, thank you to those who read my blog. I'm glad you want to know me and what goes on in this noggin. I'm sure there is more lunacy and stories and rants to come.





 

The Rules of Secrets

 

I am bad at keeping secrets. Horrible.

Why?

I try to be as open and honest as I can. I don't think it does any good to hide things away. I'll tell most anyone everything that want to know about me.

After all, I only want to be loved for who I am, not loved for who I pretend to be. 

I have many good qualities as well as some not so great ones. It took me a long time to reach the level of self confidence I have. I came to the conclusion that I'm basically good but always human.

Meanwhile some people in my life are very private. I don't get it. Is it fear of rejection? Is it simply prudent?

Keeping things to yourself all the time can't be healthy.

I can keep a secret if I must. If you need me to this is how you need to tell me.

"Kristen. This is not to be shared. Period."

Implied confidences don't always get through my skull. You MUST tell me to keep my trap shut.

I'm not great at thinking before speaking. As most of you know firsthand.  I speak my mind probably more than I should. Thankfully, my friends and family love me regardless.