Lost in my own head

I realized I haven't written in a little while. Why?

I've been busy playing Candy Crush Saga.
I've been reading some decent books.
I've been watching both good and godawful tv.

This is not good. I've been all input and no output. Most times for me that means there's something I'm trying really hard not to think about. Escaping into fantasy to avoid the reality.

So next question is.... What's wrong?

I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling fat and ugly and stupid. I'm feeling like life isn't that bad for me so I shouldn't complain. I'm feeling like if I give in to the depression, I won't come back up. I'm feeling like I'm forcing too many laughs and faking too many smiles. I'm feeling like no one can understand because the "Why?" of it all is too nebulous to define.

Progression.
Bad day, temper shortens. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Can't sleep well, cranky and tired therefore bad day again. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Repeat.
Repeat.

I have excellent friends. I can talk to them. Tell them what's twisted up in my head but not if I can't explain it to myself. Besides, everyone has their own problems. People are dealing with illness, death, unemployment, relationship issues, blah, blah, blah.

So I keep my mouth shut. My problems are small. Lonely and disconnected isn't really a big problem.
 For a while.

The weight is increasing. I still can't figure out what is wrong but it's starting to wear me down.

It's not like I haven't been through this before. Every time I slide down this slope, I just get terrified of not being able to climb back up. I've been at the bottom of the pit before. So far down you can't see the sun anymore.

I'm not in the pit yet but the slope is getting steeper and my fingers are getting weaker.

I know what I need to do and I'm doing some of it.
I'm interacting with others, even when I don't want to.
I'm going out in public, even though I don't want to.
I need to do the things that always make me smile.
I need to be outside.
I need to be by the water.
I need to be able to let myself cry this out.
I need to put myself first for a bit.

The horrible thing is that I really really don't want to post this. Because then comes the smothering. And the constant "How are you feeling?" And the fear of leaving me alone. I don't want people to worry about me. I will be ok. I'm just not ok now. But if I don't talk about it and share what's happening then I'll just keep feeling disconnected.

And the very fact that I'm not wanting to bother anyone about how I'm feeling shows exactly how low my self esteem is right now. Back in my suicidal days, that was my modus operandi. I'm not worth bothering about. I knew people loved me. It didn't matter. I wasn't worthy of any of it. Everything I touched turned to shit. All I could focus on was every little thing I did wrong.

The other problem is people believing me when I tell them I'm depressed. You? You're happy girl! Come on. They assume it's a quick get over it or I just want attention or they take me seriously and over react.

I'm not about to off myself. I never will. I'm just struggling a little bit. I need to find my happy again.

Hidradenitis 3- Less Ugly than Before

If you haven't read Hidradenitis 1 &2, please do. Otherwise you'll be totally lost.

So another month and a bit of the new antibiotic has gone by. Another month and a half at least to go.

Vast improvement. Like fantastic. No open wounds at all. No swelling, no infection.

I've been slacking on using the topical ointments like I should. It's easy to forget now that it's so much better.

I'll always have the nasty scarring at this point. This will come back again. But I look back on the years (and I do mean years) of suffering and pain and infection and discomfort and wonder again. Why the hell did I wait so long to get treatment?

For right now, I'm taking my pills like I should. I'll start using the topicals again like I should. I did quit smoking(6 weeks now). The doc said hidradenitis is more prevalent in smokers than non and did suggest quitting. My sinuses are thrilled with me quitting. Only 2 sudafed since I stopped. Yay!

Keeping up the fight. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. So I have to make the choices to do it.

Wish me luck.

Ex Talk

So my ex called me last night. After midnight and we all know what that means. Amongst other things we chatted about, he asked me a question.

"You know me. How do I treat women?"he asked.
"Holy crap, man. You realize who you're asking, right?" I replied.
"Yeah, I know we have history but you know what I mean." he said.
"Well, you've been a complete asshole at times. Treated me like crap." I said matter-of-factly.
Dumbfounded silence.
"Wow. Really? I feel like crap now." he said.
"What? You want me to lie to you? Not all the time but you definitely had your moments." I replied.
"No, but..... I... I gotta go." he said hurriedly diving out of the emotional wreckage.
"Goodnight." I said a little sadly.

I think it'll be a little bit before he tries to call me again.

Now for the sad part. I feel bad for making him feel bad. I didn't lie. He asked me the question, I didn't volunteer. It's a little sad that I still want to protect him from pain. It's a lot sad that he didn't realize until that second that he treated me badly.

He won't apologize. The boy doesn't do that. I've been so ridiculously easy on him. It must've been like the family dog suddenly turning around and biting you.

The other sad thing is that we were finally beginning to be able to just talk as friends again. Now that I've shown my teeth, we may not be able too.

I can say it's his loss and that would be true but it wouldn't be the whole truth. The truth is it's my loss too. I like him. He's incapable of commitment (at least to me), he's fond of the bottle, and he says some of the stupidest nonsense I've ever heard, but he also is loyal to his friends, always ready with a joke, and has held me when I cried.

Change isn't that scary

                18 days and not even a drag off a friend's smoke. I hereby pronounce myself a non-smoker. So this change went so well, I've decided to make some more.
     
  I've already accomplished one other thing without even trying. No soda or any caffeinated beverage past 2 pm. I'm trying not to drink my calories. Also caffeine is hitting me like a brick nowadays.

          I want to be more active. Kickball, swimming, and taking walks will become a regular part of my life. I love playing basketball, volleyball, tennis and such. I enjoy it. So why aren't I doing it? My friends are great people but they aren't the most active. So I'm trying to get others I know to hang out and play and it's time to meet some new people.
         
        Meeting new people. This is the slightly scary one. I joined a dating website for the first time ever. It's weird. I'm not desperate and it just feels like a desperate thing to do. I know, I know. A lot of my friends meet people online all the time. I don't judge them. They're showing courage by actively looking for what they want. The problem is this. I can't judge how I'll get along with someone until I actually meet them. My gut can't tell who's an ok guy from a picture and a paragraph. It's only been a couple of days on the site so we'll see how it goes.

        I want to be more politically active. Why shouldn't I be standing up for what I believe in? I went to a March Against Monsanto where I knew no one and I had a good time. I've voted Libertarian since I could vote and I may want to get involved in local politics in some capacity. I'm NOT going to run for office but I'd like to help promote the Libertarian agenda.

       Medically, I've been keeping up with my doctor's appointments and taking medications like I should. I need to get back to the dentist for a cleaning. I also need to make and keep an appointment with a chiropractor and get my neck fixed.

        Call it an early mid life crisis. I am the only one who can change my life. So why shouldn't I? If I want adventure and excitement and new and unusual, it's not coming to see me in my living room. I have to go meet it.

Wish me luck.

Hidradenitis 2: The Ugly continues

Please read Hidradenitis first as this is just an update.

So what had happened was....

The medication they first tried me on got me sick.

My side effects: I dealt with the dry skin. I dealt with the dandruff. I dealt with the red and orange pee and poop. I dealt with the constant thirst. I dealt with everything tasting like metal. I said to myself that it would be worth it. Then my back started acting up and I was stiff in all my joints. The stiffness got worse and I was constantly cracking my knuckles and trying to stretch away the... pain. I woke up in  the morning and almost fell over getting out of bed. My hands hurt enough that it was difficult to brush my teeth. I popped six motrin and went to work. Called the doc. She told me to stop taking them. That if the side effects were this severe two weeks in, I would only deal with more severe side effects for being on it another 8 weeks. I'm angry and upset since the meds were working on my skin. For the first time in years, I don't have an open sore. I was so hopeful. Now it's back to the doc on the 15th for a new and different med.

 

 Within 3 days of being off the meds, my joints felt absolutely fine again.

 

Now I'm on doxycline and switching the topicals to every other day instead of daily. Only one inflamed area became an issue and I had a shot of cortisone today to take it down a notch. Two months until my next appointment.

 

Keeping on, keeping on.

Just me. And that's plenty good enough.

I tend to share a lot of myself with the world. My hopes, my dreams, my fears, I put them on display through social media and conversation. I don't hide things.

The other day, I was having a conversation with a friend and she told me I was the least private person she knew. She on the other hand is very private. I told her why I'm not. And now you get to know too.

What is the point of privacy? Hiding your true self and how you feel. Why would you do that? Fear.
Fear of judgement, persecution, resentment.

I will not live in fear. I want people to like me for who I am. Not for the image I project. If they don't then oh well.

We live by so many arbitrary rules everyday, many of which are antiquated and useless.

Let me give you a quick and easy example.

Clothing.
It is acceptable on a hot summer day on the beach or a park or a basketball court for only one gender to take their shirt off.
Why?
It's immodest for a woman to show her body?
It's to keep the woman safe as all men are sexual predators waiting to attack once they see bare flesh? Boobs burn easy?

So if a girl and a guy are both walking around without a shirt on, why the hell is only the girl going to be arrested for indecent exposure?

Now I'm not saying, "Hey ladies! Let's all walk around topless!" I'm just pointing out basic pointless traditions which became rules and laws.

We follow the trends. We "Just Say No!" to acid washed jeans. We will wear painted faces everyday to work because THAT is what makes us professional. We wear shoes that hurt our feet in ten minutes of wear because that is "Appropriate" office apparel for women. (It's ok. The big strong men will take care of us.)

We are lied to about our worth as women and as human beings on a daily basis by TRADITION.

Tell me if any of this sounds familiar.
1. You aren't married? Don't worry you'll find someone.
2. No kids yet? Tick tock.
3. Don't hurt yourself picking up that 15 lb box. I'll take care of that for you, little lady.
4. What's the problem? Is it that time of the month?
5. You can change a tire? By yourself?
6. What are you reading? One of those romance novels you girls like?
7. You know you should wear shorter skirts if you want to get a guy.
8. I'll bet you're a great cook.
9. Can you sew on a button for me?
10. All you women are crazy.

According to society, at my age I should be married with kids and spend my day with cooking, cleaning and needlework.
According to society since I'm not, I am not worth as much as those who are.
According to society, I must be either: A. Unable to keep a man because I'm deficient in looks. B. One of those damn feminists. or C. A psycho hosebeast.

You can be a Nobel Prize Winner but if you happen to be female your life just isn't complete until you're married and breeding.

Screw that noise.

I work 40 hours a week. I pay my own bills. I can change my own tire. I can put together a shelving unit. I cook my own meals. I have no kids. I don't want any kids. I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.


I'm not married and don't know if ever I will be. But I can tell you one thing for certain. Unless I meet and fall in love with a guy who sees, accepts, acknowledges, and appreciates my strength of body, character, mind and heart.............. I won't be.

I am complete by myself. I don't need someone else to complete me. I am not less because I am not part of a couple. I am not less because I don't want children. I am not less because I'm not beautiful.

I reject those lies. I AM ENOUGH.

Screw you society. You're a jerk. I don't have to listen to you.






 

Unsent Letter

I hate finding out important stuff from other people. It makes me feel like you don't think about me. It makes me feel like you don't trust me.

I don't want to have to be the one to pick up the phone and call you. I certainly don't want to be handed off to someone else to talk to. That just makes me feel like you don't care about what I have to say.

I am not an inconvenience. I am part of your life. I'm someone who will always love you.

But right now, your actions are making me feel like I'm not important to you.

That hurts. And pisses me off.

You will always be a part of my life. This isn't new. You acting this way. So I have to either accept it or throw a fit about it.

You went into the hospital. I heard about it a week later from your someone else. You wrecked your car. I heard about it 12 days later from again someone who isn't you.

This is unacceptable.

I know I live in another state and out of sight is often out of mind but come on.