Thoughts on Depression

I've been on the antidepressants for a while now and they are quite definitely helping.

Before Antidepressants Average Day:
Wake up. Cry. Work. Excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. Home. Cry. Watch tv, or read a book, or anything that may get me out of my head. Try to sleep, can't sleep. Start cycle all over again.

Now:
Wake up, Work, Home, Go out, hang with friends, laugh, bed.

Except the last couple of days. The last few have been bad. Really bad. Scary bad. Yesterday, I woke up late, rushed around, forgot I had to get gas on the way to work, was 20 minutes late, felt so awful about being late I started berating myself in my head.

My depression: Stupid bitch. You can't do anything right. Everything you do is never going to be good enough. If you hadn't switched out your alarm clock, this wouldn't have happened. You're an idiot. It's the fucking busy time, you have to get shit done. Now you threw off the whole day.

Then there was a miscommunication about the hours that would be worked on Saturday, where I thought I was getting shorted for the week. I got angry and paranoid and pissed. When the dust cleared and all was well, the boss gave me shit for not taking the time to think things through and acting like a fool. Bam.

Depression: See! You can't think right. You aren't patient enough. You assume the worst. And your boss hates you and if you keep pissing him off there goes your job and then what will you do? Fucking no good, piece of shit. Keep your head down and do your fucking job.

That was when I realized the bad thought spiral had begun and was already snowballing. I texted my friend to let her know I wouldn't be able to make it out to her party and offered a raincheck for a later time. Got back the reply: Noted. Well, fuck me sideways. Everything I touch is just turning to shit.

I can't deal with being around people. I'm already taking any little thing way too much to heart. Now I've let a friend down on top of everything else.

Depression: You're a horrible friend. You can't even suck it up and make it out for one night? The fuck is wrong with you, stupid whiny bitch. And look at you, you weak stupid bitch, crying again. Cry baby.

Text from roomie: Can you let out and feed the dog? I'll be home late.
Reply: Sure. Where are you going?
Roomie: Mutual friend's house.
Reply: have fun.

Depression: You see! Proof again that you suck and no one wants to be around you. Your friend didn't want to spend time with you.

Further texts with roomie where I let her know I was having a really bad day and she was supportive and kind. Then texts from mutual friend inviting me over and supportive kindness.

Started to settle down a little. Home then a little tv then bath then sleep.

Texted the boy to let him know I wasn't going anywhere. Made vague plans for today. Jumped on facebook and was messaged by a friend. At this point my brain just said NO. Let her know I just couldn't and then got a comment from the birthday girl that let me know, yup, she's pissed. Cried myself into a headache. Then messaged her trying to explain a little that if I had it in me, I'd be there.
She doesn't know me that well and has no clue that this is seriously unusual behavior from me.

Took a bath for about three minutes before dropping my kindle in the water. Really?

Depression: Fool! You know better than that shit. Serves you right. Would've been better off if it had electrocuted you. At least then you wouldn't be fucking up everything and other people's lives.

Got the back cover off the kindle, laid it out to dry. Took a pill to help me sleep and alternately stared at the ceiling and cried for an hour before going to sleep.

Woke up late because of the sleeping tablet and rushed through to get to work this morning. This morning, I'm back on my even keel and doing just fine.

Hallelujah. If that nonsense had continued, I would've had to make an apt with the Psychiatrist and switch up meds or something.

I can tell when it's my depression talking. I can argue it down with common sense most of the time. Yesterday was plain awful. Today is pretty good and hopefully tonight will be awesome.






 

New Car!

I'm getting a new car on thursday evening. I can't wait. It's little and cute and sporty and green and I love it love it love it!
No more disintegrating leather on the steering wheel.
No more antenna stuck in the up position.
No more cassette tape stuck in the deck.
No more overheating.
No more disconnecting the battery.
No more trunk that destroys things.
No more chipped paint.
No more florida fade.
No more cloudy headlights.
No more dented bumper.
No more mystery stain.
No more ground in smoker smell.
No more cigarette burns.
No more wondering if I can fit in that spot.
Clean and shiny and pretty and new!
One more day. One more day.

Favorite Songs

1. Mike &the Mechanics - The Living Years
2. Leonard Cohen - Hallelujah
3. Unknown - As the Deer Panteth For the Water
4. Pachelbel - Canon
5. Etta James - At Last
6. Annette Hanshaw - I Wanna Be Loved You
7. Kristy McNichol - Hold On
8. Simon & Garfunkel - Richard Cory
9. Simon & Garfunkel - Sound of Silence
10. Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man
11. Mumford & Sons - Sigh No More
12. Indigo Girls - Closer to Fine
Why?
Obviously I enjoy sad story songs with good melody and if you give me harmonization as well I'm in heaven

The State of My Mind

I have an appointment with a shrink on the 14th. I keep having imaginary conversations with my shrink-to-be. Explaining that I'm not really crazy and just need some drugs to keep me that way.

I'm depressed. No suicidal ideation as yet. (For the layman that means I'm not making plans to off myself)

I have a personal history of depression starting as a teenager. Then as I grew it stabilized to just ruining my life in the winter.

Every winter, I'd go into hibernation. Didn't want to leave the house or see anyone, talk to anyone, or do anything.

I decided I deserved having my winters back so I moved to Florida.
Year One, no depression at all.
Year 2-7 still good.
Year 8: 2 dead grandparents and trips to cold climate meant about six months of mourning/depression.
Year 9: Melancholy tendencies but no severe problems. Needed a few nudges to get out of the house.
Year 10 aka Now: I've cried every day for the last month and a half and it doesn't seem to be stopping. I'd made and canceled plans because I don't feel capable of dealing with people socially. I got off facebook because any sad post was guaranteed to make me cry. I can't deal well with other people's problems right now. I don't want to and I just can't handle it. I started staying up insanely late to read or watch tv or avoid reality in other ways. This leaves me tired and worn out and doing a shit job at work. I can't concentrate on tasks. I can't get my shit together.

I'm tired, lonely, and don't feel like anyone could understand. Then I started thinking that maybe I just wasn't worth bothering about. That is what made me pick up the phone and make an appointment.

I'd been down that road before. That way leads to  knives and death plans and making really, really bad decisions.

I'm doing what I should be. Get outside, see the sun.
Find activities that make me happy.
Eat my veggies.

I'm trying. Really trying the best that I can.

I started losing my temper and snapping at people.  Swearing at one and hanging up in their face. I haven't hung up on someone since I was a teenager.

I hate getting angry. I keep a lid on it tight 99% of the time. I look at the bigger picture and remember that anger doesn't achieve anything.

But when you aren't being listened to, sometimes you need to yell. And right now I feel like no one is listening.
 

Temporary Fixes

I left Facebook. Half of the people who are in contact with me get in touch via Facebook. I just cut so many people out of my life.

Time to get away from screens and back to living.
 

Lost in my own head

I realized I haven't written in a little while. Why?

I've been busy playing Candy Crush Saga.
I've been reading some decent books.
I've been watching both good and godawful tv.

This is not good. I've been all input and no output. Most times for me that means there's something I'm trying really hard not to think about. Escaping into fantasy to avoid the reality.

So next question is.... What's wrong?

I'm feeling disconnected. I'm feeling fat and ugly and stupid. I'm feeling like life isn't that bad for me so I shouldn't complain. I'm feeling like if I give in to the depression, I won't come back up. I'm feeling like I'm forcing too many laughs and faking too many smiles. I'm feeling like no one can understand because the "Why?" of it all is too nebulous to define.

Progression.
Bad day, temper shortens. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Can't sleep well, cranky and tired therefore bad day again. Eat comfort food, escape into internet, print, or TV.

Repeat.
Repeat.

I have excellent friends. I can talk to them. Tell them what's twisted up in my head but not if I can't explain it to myself. Besides, everyone has their own problems. People are dealing with illness, death, unemployment, relationship issues, blah, blah, blah.

So I keep my mouth shut. My problems are small. Lonely and disconnected isn't really a big problem.
 For a while.

The weight is increasing. I still can't figure out what is wrong but it's starting to wear me down.

It's not like I haven't been through this before. Every time I slide down this slope, I just get terrified of not being able to climb back up. I've been at the bottom of the pit before. So far down you can't see the sun anymore.

I'm not in the pit yet but the slope is getting steeper and my fingers are getting weaker.

I know what I need to do and I'm doing some of it.
I'm interacting with others, even when I don't want to.
I'm going out in public, even though I don't want to.
I need to do the things that always make me smile.
I need to be outside.
I need to be by the water.
I need to be able to let myself cry this out.
I need to put myself first for a bit.

The horrible thing is that I really really don't want to post this. Because then comes the smothering. And the constant "How are you feeling?" And the fear of leaving me alone. I don't want people to worry about me. I will be ok. I'm just not ok now. But if I don't talk about it and share what's happening then I'll just keep feeling disconnected.

And the very fact that I'm not wanting to bother anyone about how I'm feeling shows exactly how low my self esteem is right now. Back in my suicidal days, that was my modus operandi. I'm not worth bothering about. I knew people loved me. It didn't matter. I wasn't worthy of any of it. Everything I touched turned to shit. All I could focus on was every little thing I did wrong.

The other problem is people believing me when I tell them I'm depressed. You? You're happy girl! Come on. They assume it's a quick get over it or I just want attention or they take me seriously and over react.

I'm not about to off myself. I never will. I'm just struggling a little bit. I need to find my happy again.

Hidradenitis 3- Less Ugly than Before

If you haven't read Hidradenitis 1 &2, please do. Otherwise you'll be totally lost.

So another month and a bit of the new antibiotic has gone by. Another month and a half at least to go.

Vast improvement. Like fantastic. No open wounds at all. No swelling, no infection.

I've been slacking on using the topical ointments like I should. It's easy to forget now that it's so much better.

I'll always have the nasty scarring at this point. This will come back again. But I look back on the years (and I do mean years) of suffering and pain and infection and discomfort and wonder again. Why the hell did I wait so long to get treatment?

For right now, I'm taking my pills like I should. I'll start using the topicals again like I should. I did quit smoking(6 weeks now). The doc said hidradenitis is more prevalent in smokers than non and did suggest quitting. My sinuses are thrilled with me quitting. Only 2 sudafed since I stopped. Yay!

Keeping up the fight. I want to be healthy. I deserve to be healthy. So I have to make the choices to do it.

Wish me luck.