Unsendable

Hey you,
I dreamt of you last night. We were young and laughing and terribly in love. Nothing special was happening. We were just talking and joking and being close to each other. It was a warm summer day. The sun was shining on us. The sky was blue and dotted with little white clouds. It was pure love and joy. All we needed was each other.

I don't know why you're on my mind and haunting my dreams. I wish I could talk to you about it. My once best friend. But I made my choice and you respected it.  So I can't call you and ease my mind. I can't run into you randomly and get the hugs that make me feel it'll all be ok. I can't see how you are and what's happening in your life.

I made the choice to try and forget you. To try and move on.

It's not working. I don't think of you everyday anymore but memories of our time together still come up on a fairly regular basis.

You were never perfect. You were sometimes dismissive and sometimes just a jerk.

But you knew me. You saw me at my worst and loved me regardless. Whenever I needed an ear and a shoulder, you were there. I told you things and shared all my secrets with you. All my doubts and fears and hopes and dreams.

I miss you terribly. A mutual friend posted your picture on Facebook a few months back. I happened upon it and sat frozen staring at the screen. Eyebrows raised and a wry smile and a twinkle in your eye. Your absence in my life hit me like a bulldozer.

But if I were to invite you back into my life, would it do more harm than good? Probably. Do I really want to go back to heartbreak?

I've been told I glamorize you in my mind. You're just a guy. But I know you. I know the drama you grew up with. I knew the anger you struggled with. I know the dreams that changed as you grew up and got older. I know your regrets.

I also know you never loved me as much as I loved you. I know it was foolish of me to expect things to change. I know it was foolish of me to hope your heart would once again be mine.

I know it's ridiculous to still want and need and love you.  They say time heals. Maybe my heart is too broken to ever heal properly. At least I'm not constantly reopening the wound anymore.

So I won't call or write or ask friends how you are. I'm surviving and changing slowly.

But I miss you and I hope that writing it down will get it out of my head even though you may never leave my heart.

Love,
Me
 

Dark thoughts/ Hearing God

I met a boy the other day who at his young age has decided dead might be a better option than the world he's living in.  I wanted to hug him and shake him at the same time. Since I've been in that state of mind before and know how the hopelessness just buries you alive I empathize with him. Because I've come through it and emerged stronger, I want to shake him. Snap him out of that mindset.

But I can't. I couldn't snap myself out of it. There is no snapping out of depression. There are days when the sun warms instead of burns and some days that's the best you can hope for.  I will never forget the days when all I could do was look around me to see what could kill me. If I jumped from this balcony, would it kill me? If I just let go of the wheel and stomped on the gas, would I end up dead or just in the hospital? I stood a little too close to edges. I felt the blade until the blood started showing.

I showed the world a happy face so they would leave me alone. I thought that if I couldn't be happy there was no point to life. That combined with low self esteem was a lousy combination. My plan was to kill myself in the bathtub slitting my wrists. I didn't want to leave a mess behind because I thought I wasn't worth the effort of cleaning it up.

I never went through with it. Partly because I'm not a fan of pain, partly because I had a shred of hope left, and partly because I was afraid of messing that up too. I came very very close one day. I had called my friends to say goodbye. They didn't know that of course. They thought I was calling for a quick chat. I went for a walk around the neighborhood saying my silent goodbyes to my home and the world. I took a knife from the kitchen drawer and slowly started to run it over my hand.

Now comes the part where you'll think I'm insane. No worries. I'm used to it.

I heard a voice. It seemed to come from everywhere around me. It was loud and sounded slightly perturbed. But there was also a feeling of immense love.

"Who are you to destroy what I have created?" said the voice.

I threw the knife so hard across the room that it stuck in the wall. I shook with tears and relief and shock and awe.

If God wants me alive, I'm sticking around. Obviously there are plans for me.

No. I've never heard that voice again. I don't need to. In the darkest moment of my life, God was there for me.  And God always will be.

I've had bouts of depression since but I've never considered suicide as an option since that day.

This isn't a story I share easily. Too many people will judge me as insane for it. I wasn't hallucinating. I'm not making this up for attention. It happened. Choose to believe or disbelieve as you will. But don't try to make me say it wasn't real.

Please be kind in your comments, if you have any.

State of Mind

I remember when I used to be in love with the spontaneous. I'd go new places all the time without a thought. I'd make conversations with strangers and make new friends. I was adventurous.

Somewhere along the way, I lost that. I became a fan of my safe little haven where I knew everyone and I felt comfortable. Meeting new people began harder. I wasn't as willing to start a conversation with a random stranger. I became so self concious about every little move I made.

I always assumed I was being judged and was really judgmental about others. Not materialistically. I've never cared much about money but any little flaw or imperfection had me running in the other direction. I forgot the most basic truth about humans. We are all flawed.

It was really hard for me to make new friends in Fl. I was so used to my core group of friends up in CT that I didn't want to make the effort of getting to know new people. My "real" friends knew me inside out so what was the point? I started going out to karoake, which I've always loved, and started making new friends slowly. At first I'd just be that girl in the corner, sitting by herself. I still hate to feel like I'm pushing myself onto someone new. The shyness that I thought I'd overcome long ago reared it's ugly head. It told me: You aren't pretty enough or interesting enough to bother with.

Karoake people run in crowds. Before I knew it, I was being asked to join other tables and chat. Still I felt a separation. I only saw these people at karoake. My karoake buddies were great people but they had already formed their fast friendships long before I moved down here. I'd have a blast when I was out with them but never made it a real friendship.

Fortunately, since then I've met some people who've taken their time to get to know me and ask me to go new places and try new things. You know who you are :) My circle keeps slowly expanding.

I still seperate my real friends from my karoake buds in my head but now the line is starting to blur a little. I was used to being in the leader role in CT. When my friends were I-don't-know-what-do-you-want-to-do-ing I was the one making the decisions most of the time. But those were people who knew me through and through. I'm the odd man out from the crowd that has known each other forever and now am stuck in follower land.  It's a major switch for me. And one I'm not altogether certain is the best.

I've lost a bit of myself. I don't know if I can get that back.

Where this is coming from. I met a few new people today. All nice and friendly. I had a nice time but I'm just so much more comfortable now taking it as a one on one getting to know new people. I felt out of place. And I know it's nobody's fault but my own.

So how do I fix this? Should I fix this? Is it even fixable? Will I always have this bit of reserve from now on? Am I protecting myself this way? Or am I just missing out?

How I treat those I can't stand

Polite indifference. Nothing makes someone crankier than you not caring at all about them.

Only reply. Never inititate contact. I can be in the same place all day long and not speak to someone until they speak to me. Why would I go out of my way to have a conversation I don't want to have?

DON'T ENGAGE THE ENEMY!

Example:
L: Hi Kristen! How've you been?
Me: Hello. I'm good.
L: Anything new?
Me: Not so much.
L: Well.... I should get something to drink.
Me: Ok.

You'll notice I don't speak more than essential and I NEVER ask questions. I don't care how her life is. I don't want to talk about her day. I smile and only reply and never volunteer more than I have to.

You don't have to be mean to someone you don't like. You can just ignore them. People in general will only try a couple times before they get the feeling you just aren't interested in them or their drama.

"NO" DOES NOT REQUIRE AN EXCUSE
You have every right to say no. You don't need a reason or an excuse. And if someone keeps pushing, just stare at them. They will not ask again.

Occasionally, there will be the pushy person who will not leave you alone. Now this is important.

Repeat after me.
I'm not interested.
Not " Sorry. I'm not interested." What do you have to be sorry about? Why are you apologizing?
Just simply say...
I'm not interested.

It's polite. You don't have to swear or get mad. You're not calling anyone out. It's the truth and it works.

Thank you for ordering the Kristen Anti-Drama Kit. I hope you enjoy some of our other fine products such as How to Be Awesome and Karoke: Not just for good singers.

Why hate?

I don't get the hate people have for those who follow different belief systems. Maybe it's just me that realizes just because someone is on a different path than you, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're going the wrong way.

Most times people will believe whatever religion they are raised with. It's drummed in that this is right and every other religion is wrong. That's always been my issue with most religions. I can't see God working that way.

Mostly, it annoys me that it now seems to be the norm to castigate christians. I was raised with a baptist mom and a lutheran dad. Discussing church creed and verse meaning at the dinner table was a normal thing for me. Most of the trouble people have with the church is old testament verses. When the new testament arrived, the old rules changed. Jesus managed to put it all in one  commandment, Love your neighbor as yourself. Regardless of anything else.

So when people pull an old verse from Levictus and say "Oh look at this nonsense that they believe." They're only getting a small part of the picture.

Religious persecution is rampant. People will die for their beliefs. I get that. Stand up for what you believe. But I don't understand the people who don't have a religion or belief system of their own promoting hate against others who do.

I have nothing but love for my friends who consider themselves christian, jewish, muslim, buddhist, or wiccan. I love my friends who are agnostic and haven't made up their minds. I even love my friends who are atheists although I really have a hard time with that belief.

I believe in God. Wholeheartedly. Noone on this earth can convince me that God isn't real. I've heard the voice.(That story can be told at a later time.) I also believe in love. Choosing love over hate is how I try to live my life.

Hate destroys. That is it's only goal. Why would someone choose that?

Everyone gets angry. Anger is a part of being human. I'm angry when I get treated badly. I'm angry when someone hurts someone I care about. I'm angry that so much is wrong with the world and I don't know how to help. But that's just anger. Hate is thicker and much more poisonous.

I choose not to hate. We are all flawed people looking for a way to get by and live life the best way we know how. Hate just makes it harder for everyone.

I don't care what your race is. I don't care what your religion is. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care how much you make. I don't judge you based on that. I care about how you treat those around you.

Thank you for reading.

Follow your Dream!

I had this (drunk but still managing to be charming and cute) guy at karoake tell me I was an amazing singer and that I should be on tv and selling records. I said thanks. He then proceeded to elaborate that I should be chasing my dream and not to let fear and self doubt slow me down. I tried to explain to him that singing isn't my dream. That I'm happy with what I do and what I have now.

He didn't believe me. He rambled on that the only reason I wasn't singing professionally was because I was too scared to try.

I tried to explain to him that I know exactly how good of a voice I have but it's not that fantastic. I can put over a song I know and love fairly well but my range isn't the best and my stage presence isn't that good. I've smoked for too long for my voice ever to be a real quality instrument.

He tried to get me to promise to get a vocal coach and start auditioning.

I started getting annoyed.

I enjoy singing. I have fun with it. I'm pretty good and I do like the applause. It's not my dream. Never has been.

It took me years to get really comfortable on stage. And auditions are awful. I tense and my voice goes higher than it should and I get extremely aware of every move I make.

I sing at home at, work while running the machines, and I karoake.

Singing to me is fun but it's too damn hard to make a real go of it if you have the ambition it takes to get noticed. rying to sing for a living means constant auditions for plays and bands and hours each day with vocal exercises. It's hard and demanding and not very rewarding unless you get lucky.

That is not the life that I want. I don't want to turn my fun into work. If I don't enjoy what I sing, I don't sing it well. I try to pick songs that I'm feeling and sing out my emotions. Take the strife and heartache and good times wrap it in a tune and get it outta myself.

Why do people assume they know what you really want? I know what I want. I'm living the life I want. If I wasn't I'd be trying for something else.

My dream is to work at a job I find fulfilling. To be able to pay my bills and set a little to the side. To be able to spend time with friends and family. I wouldn't mind someone to share it all with. But I am content with my own company.

When I get older and closing in on retirement, I want to run my own little B&B.

They are small dreams but that's all I need to be happy.

I love big dreamers. I admire their passion and devotion. But that just isn't me. Ambition for material things never has been a goal for me.

Go forth and dream your dream and live it as best you can. Don't tell me my dream isn't good enough for me. It's mine and I am fiercely protective of it.

Tapped out

This morning I had a little meltdown. I was so fed up and irritated I started bawling. Thank goodness, I didn't have work today. Why? Let me explain.

I have friends with problems right now. Serious issues like where is the next paycheck coming from? How can I keep my ex out of my life? How do I get through the day without punching the boss? That kind of thing. Add in illness and car issues and family drama and relationship issues sprinkled liberally throughout.

It's at the point where I feel guilty for my stuff not being so bad right now. Yes of course I still have personal drama but nothing on that level. In the meantime, lives are falling apart around me.

And more and more just keeps getting dumped on me. I listen and I offer advice and the there there it'll get better, but really that's all I can do.I'm talking to everybody about their problems all the time. And I'm tapped out.

Partly because I have my own stuff to worry about, partly because some of the people are just making the same mistakes time and again, and partly because I'm rarely even getting a "How's things going with you?"

I understand people get focused on the drama they're dealing with but ask me how I am. How's the family, Kristen? How ya doing since the breakup? How you holding up from your grandparents dying? How's the car running? How's work?

Don't make me feel selfish for wanting common courtesy.

I'm being taken for granted and I'm pissed off about it. Friendship is give and take. It hurts when I'm trying to help with other's problems and getting no concern about mine.

Well, that tells me who really cares about me. And so I get homesick so bad it hurts. I miss the people who have always, always, always been there for me just as much as I'm there for them. Y'all know who you are.

I don't have family in Florida. My friends are my family here. And right now, a lot of you have your heads so deep in your own stuff, you don't notice that I may need an ear and a shoulder.

I'm a good friend. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but right now I'm tapped out of sympathy. You made your mess, deal with it.