Friday, March 2, 2012

Wanting the End

I tend to write out whatever I'm feeling at the time. I came across some old entries in one of my numerous journals. Reading it shook me more than a little.

I had written these during my teenage years when I was suffering from a deep depression.

"Depression is getting worse. Almost burst into tears twice today. Reason: none. I can't stand not being able to control my emotions. I don't want them locked up in a little book, but I ... I just don't know what to do. Do you ever feel when in a crowded room no matter how many people are there laughing and talking that none of them knows anything about you? I'm a disturbed person. I need to go into therapy. Too bad my mom doesn't care. X stop strike that. I know she loves me. She just can't deal with a suicidal (at times) teen. She just says I read too much. Even when she said she'd get me help, she didn't. It just makes me feel like she doesn't give a damn. She is so convinced I wouldn't do anything against her will. She is always disappointed in me. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'll never get it right so why even try? I don't want to die. I even have a stupid reason for that though. I don't want to make my boyfriend suffer. Sometimes, most times it would be best if I never existed at all."

It gets worse.

"I want to die. I don't want to die but I want to die. Depression does tricky things with your mind. I just want to sleep forever. Never cry again. Never hurt anymore. I've had my share. This is enough. I hate me. Why do I want to die? Realistically I have a good life. I can't control this feeling. I'm so scared I'll go through with it. Why can't I get into a car accident and just be killed? I want to end all this suffering. I can't go on like this. God, please kill me. I'm having a bad day."

" I was going to talk to my guy and tell him what I was thinking but I didn't want to upset him. He'd have been mad at me for even thinking about myself that way. I'm not worth getting upset over. All I do is cause trouble."

"I was driving around today and knew all I would have to do is turn the wheel towards a tree and it would be all over. I kept drifting toward the right and then stopping myself. I just want this to be over."

It's easy to block out the unhappiness of yesterday. It was so long ago. I was in a bad bad way for a long time. I couldn't see the light for the shadows.

I even had a plan on how I would do it. I would slice my wrists in the bathtub. It would be easier to clean up that way. I didn't feel I was worth cleaning up after.

What stopped me is a story I'll tell at a later time.

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