Saturday, February 18, 2012


Every school I've gone to, every job I've ever had, every place I've ever lived, I've dreamt about before going there for the first time. I long ago stopped believing in coincidence. It's a little eerie. I walk in on my first day and I get hit with deja vu. Then I remember the dream. It's never a big important or scary dream. Just me going through my day.

And so I meet people whose faces already seem familiar. And I know if I'll trust them or not within seconds.

Always always always follow your instincts. If your skin is crawling from being somewhere, get out. If you get that empty cold feeling about someone, watch your back. If you meet someone and get that warmth, trust it. Even if you can't reason it out. You don't have to. Trust in your body to let you know when and where the danger is.

One actual sign of being around a sociopath is they give you the creeps. Your body knows not to trust them. You just have to trust yourself.

Every time I've gone against my instincts, things go wrong.

Once I wanted to see my friend. Had to. I went to her house and her mom told me she had just left to go down to the park to meet a friend. I went to her. She was there. She was talking to this guy I'd never seen before. They were laughing about something. I came up to say hello. The guy's eyes hit me like a brick. He was surprised and angry that I was there. I was interrupting his plans. I'll never forget that face. I tried to talk my friend into leaving with me. Let's go shopping or out for coffee or over to the pool hall. Somewhere. Anywhere but here. She blew me off and said we'd meet up the next day. She was hanging out with this guy. She would call me later.

I should've grabbed her and made her leave. But I didn't. I asked her one more time to change her mind. She declined. I slowly got in my car and left.

He raped her. He held her down and forced her. He was at least half a foot taller than her and she didn't have a chance.

I knew he wasn't right. I wish I could go back and change it. I'd rather the embarrassment and a fight that what she had to endure that day and for years to come. I regret it. More than anything else in my life. I've never seen him again. If I had, I'd be in jail.

She didn't go to the police. Most rape victims don't. She told me what had happened three days later. The evidence long since scrubbed away. Nothing but her word against his. So she suffered and he never paid for it. I tried to convince to file a report anyway. I'll never forget her eyes either. Filled with pain and shame as she looked up at me. "Who would believe me?" For that alone, that man should pray we never meet.

Out of many of my friends, I am the lucky one. I once sat at a table in a coffee shop with six other girls and I was the only one who hadn't been raped. They say only 1 in 4 is reported. Not one of the women I was with  had filed a report. The shame and dirty feeling devastated them. They didn't want to relive in in court. They just wanted to block it out as if it never happened. One had been raped repeatedly by her mom's boyfriend. When she got up the nerve to tell her mom, she wasn't believed. If her own mother wouldn't believe her how could she expect anyone else to.

My heart hurts for them and all the others.Most have overcome and moved on but the scars will always be there.

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