Sunday, February 19, 2012

Forever in Love

I met the love of my life when I was fifteen. I saw him and instantly wanted to be near him. I wanted to know all his secrets and tell him mine. I wanted to just be with him and love him.

His name was G. He was five years older than me. Very tall and broad shouldered with a wry smile and a gentle laugh. He saw me as a friend. Not just a friend but one of the best friends of the girl he really wanted. He thought I was nice and all but that was it. I was head over heels. The girl he liked didn't like him that way. She was sweet and pretty with the craziest sense of humor. She was my friend and I envied her his affection. In the meantime we all hung out and went shopping, played pool, wandered the town and in general had a good time.

One painful day, I told him how I felt. His response wasn't what I wanted to hear. You're a good friend and I can talk to you about anything. I don't want to lose that just because I don't love you the same way. We talked almost everyday. We hung out just the two of us and had a blast. He wanted me to be around and be there for him but he didn't love me.

I came to a decision. I decided to not wait around for him and briefly dated a very sweet romantic guy. He read me poetry and fed me cheesecake by candlelight. Not a bad kisser either.  The poor guy never stood a real chance with me.

Meanwhile my friend finally decided to give G a chance. I was heartbroken. I assumed she'd fall in love and be with him forever. How could she not? This lasted about a week before she told him it just wouldn't work out. I was impressed by her. She knew what she wanted and wasn't going to waste her time with someone who wasn't right for her. I followed suit and tearily broke up with one of the nicest guys I've ever dated. He knew.
 "Do you love someone else?" "Yes. I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you." "It's him isn't it?" "I'm so sorry." "I hope he realizes what he's got." "He doesn't have me." "He's got your heart." and he hung up.

G came to see me the next day. I figured it would be to pour his heart out about the breakup but it wasn't. He asked me out to dinner. I said sure of course we could meet up for dinner. Who else was coming? Then he got nervous and explained he meant a date. Of course I said yes. He asked about my boyfriend and I told him that was over. Which it had been for 3 hours. Then he asked if he could be my boyfriend. I told him not to be a moron. I'd already been in love with him for a
year. I hadn't changed my mind in a month.

So the romance began. He asked my parents for permission to date me and it was granted. We spent part of every day together. On the rare days when we couldn't be there in person, we talked for hours on the phone. We never got bored with each other.

He was my first and I was his. Immediately after, he turned to me and told me he loved me. I   didn't believe him. I smacked him and told him not to lie to me.  He insisted he just hadn't realized how perfect we were together and he'd never felt this way about anyone before.  I warned him never to say it without meaning it and dropped it.

He bought me a single long stemmed rose and took the thorns off so I wouldn't prick my fingers. He told me he loved me with frequency and urgency. I was the happiest I'd ever been.

 We had fights of course. He would tell me I was being immature and I'd get in his face and remind him he was five years older than me. "You're acting like a teenager." "What the hell is wrong with you? I AM a teenager!" Then we started planning our lives together. It was a running joke that as soon as he got the ring I would be able to tell.

I had to go to the mall to get my senior pictures taken and while that was happening, he got the ring. He took me to the beach and we walked in the moonlight. We came across a bench and he suggested we sit down. I sat down and he went down on one knee. He pulled out the ring and said my name and asked me to marry him and be with him for life. I threw myself on top of him sending him crashing backwards into the sand and kissed him and kissed him. He asked if he should take that as a yes and I laughingly said Yes. I looked him in the eye and told him I couldn't imagine loving anyone else as much as him.

We set the date for August 5th, 1995. Just after graduation and my 18th birthday.  We picked the location and reserved the reception hall. The groomsmen would all wear tuxes and chuck taylors. I searched for the highest pair of white heels in existence not wanting to be the shortest person in the wedding party. I bought the dress with my mother.

He started to get nervous as the day grew closer. He doubted I would keep loving him. After all, I didn't have any other experience but him. A month before the wedding, we called it off. We were too young to get married. We should live a little first.

We stayed together for 4 years. I never broached the topic of resetting the wedding plans. I didn't want him to leave. I knew I loved him more than he loved me. I wanted him to be happy. Even if it didn't include me. We fought and made up and fought and made up constantly.

Then it happened. I was at his house and we were in bed relaxing the afternoon away when he got a call.  An old friend who wanted to know if she and him could get together later that day. He said of course he could. He wasn't doing anything.  I got up and got dressed and grabbed my stuff and started walking out. He chased after me and asked me to stop and talk to him.  I told him that if he couldn't be bothered to tell his "old friend" that I was with him that that showed exactly how much he actually cared about me. I got in the car and drove away. It was over.

Two weeks later he was dating his "old friend". G and I tried being friends. I ended up becoming good friends with his girl. Years later we talked about it. "You know I wanted to hate you so much." "I wanted to hate you too." and we laughed knowing we'd be friends for a long time.

Six months after they started dating, she got pregnant. Then they got married. I was invited to the wedding but declined. Fortunately I was out of town.

They seperated and eventually divorced.  I love their little girl as much as if she were my own.

Whenever G and I were between relationships, we'd get together and fool around.. The physical spark between us never left. We always remained friends. I could still talk to him about anything and he could do the same. We talked on the phone and met up for coffee and spent time together.

 I never fell out of love with him. I'd lie to myself about it and tell myself I loved him but wasn't in love with him anymore. We're just really good friends. I moved down to Florida but never lost contact.  I dated but never gave my heart away.

He met someone new. He was going to get married again. He invited me to the wedding. That's when I realized I couldn't keep doing this to myself. I told him no. We had to talk.

"I still love you. I've loved you for 18 years now and apparently I always will. I've never truly loved anyone else. Don't marry her." "You know I love you but it hasn't been in that way for a long time. You're one of my dearest friends. I don't want to lose you." "I don't think we can be friends anymore. I can't keep living half a life. I deserve more. And as long as I have you in my life, I can't move on." " I didn't know you felt that strongly about me still and you know I only want you to be happy. I understand. I'll miss you. If you ever change your mind or if you need me, I'll be there." "I'll miss you." "I can't believe this is happening. Be happy." " Goodbye." "Goodbye."

I deleted his number from my phone one minute later. I blocked him and his family from my facebook. I didn't want a glimpse of what was happening in his life. The only two I couldn't block were his daughter and his ex-wife. I wasn't willing to give them up. The ex-wife knows all about it and won't talk to me about him. The daughter is a teenager and doesn't know and doesn't need to know.

It's been a year or so since that day. I still miss him. He was such a huge part of my life for such a long time. It left a hole in my heart that I'm not sure will ever heal. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me. I hope that he's happy.

It doesn't ache as much as it used to. I don't cry about it anymore. I miss him. When things are crazy and I need to talk to someone, he still pops into my head.

I made the right choice. I knew it when I did it and I haven't questioned it. I gave myself permission to have new possibilities. I can care about the guy I'm kind of seeing now. I can wonder about the future without seeing him in it.

I'm taking small steps but I'm moving on.


  1. that cutting-off to move on is rough. hope I never have to do that. But you're stronger for it.

  2. Been there, done that, cried for months.
    SO glad I did, though!